Justin's One Year Check-up!

Justin weighed in at 19 lbs 2 oz and was 29 1/4 inches long! He is a little on the small side for his age, but we think he is just perfect - and bigger than I was at a year! He had met or exceeded all of his milestones and the doctor said he is very healthy! Great job Justin!

Children's Day in South Korea!

Today is a national holiday in South Korea. It is Children's Day and celebrated with special meals, parades, wearing a traditional Hanbok [literally means Korean (Han) and clothing (bok)], and doing things for children. If things go as planned on May 5th 2010 we will be celebrating with our daughter! We hope that she will be home late summer or early fall of 2009, so 2010 would be her first children's day with us!

Nothing new to report about the adoption. We are waiting to receive our home study in the mail to file our immigration paperwork and we are waiting for the main office to approve our home study and then send it to Korea. We should get a letter giving us a date for HSTK. I am hoping maybe next week! Fingers crossed! I am getting anxious and the real waiting has yet to begin!

Lollipop, Lollipop

Another day in mischief land. Someone who will remain nameless Sean, decided that it would be a great idea to give Justin a lollipop. And since it was his first ever, I had to take pictures. I am actually pretty surprised that he hasn't gotten his hands on one before this! I have pulled gummy bears, jelly beans, Skittles, and gum out of his mouth before though. He did really enjoy the lollipop and made lots of great slurping sound effects. It was so great that he got a bright blue one too - it made for some pretty drool! I let him have it for a few minutes and then took it away before it got too small and was in danger of falling off the stick. He yelled for quite a while and kept saying, "Mom. Mom. Mom." I guess it was his way of yelling at me! Sorry Justin!

Who me?

You can't deprive this face of candy!so cute!sour blue raspberrymaybe PopTarts will be next?A little palate cleanserreally enjoying himselfwhat no blue drool in the dining room?

Understanding

I am so happy that Justin is here with us and celebrating his first birthday is nothing short of wonderful. Conceiving him consisted of over two years of doctors appointments, ultra sounds, blood work, testing, surgeries, and miscarriages. It was a roller coaster of emotions - from disappointment to joy, from pain that brought me to my knees to happiness I wanted to shout from the rooftops, and from utter defeat to miraculous celebration. I love him so much and every day there is one thing or another that makes me stop and realize just how special he is. I do love Brian and Sean the same way too - but it is Justin's birthday today!

But, as happy as his birthday was, there was also sadness. I should be celebrating two birthdays today. Two cards. Two first birthday bibs. Two cakes. Two high chairs. Two sets of presents. It is so bittersweet. I have to say that I am not sad on a daily basis over losing his twin anymore, but when Justin hits big milestones it is like pouring salt in the wound. I wonder what might of been and the fact that I will never know is very hard for me.

There have been a lot of posts in the infertility blogosphere written by those still trying to conceive and how they feel about reading blogs about pregnancy and parenting. To be honest, at first I thought it was kind of rude. I felt that if they were in a place where they couldn't handle pregnancy and baby talk, that they shouldn't be reading. But it is just not that cut and dry. There are so many shades of gray to consider. I have been there. I have turned down plenty of baby shower invitations. I have had to bite my lip to keep the tears inside when ultra sound pictures were passed around. I quickly turned the channel when diaper commercials came on. I looked longingly at baby stores while I drove on by.

I am in a similar place with the loss of Justin's twin. I hold back tears when I see twins at a store. I try to turn off the TV when twin stories come on. It is not that I am not happy for those with twins, I am just not always emotionally able to handle it. The funny thing is even though it hurts, I find myself mesmerized with twins. I read blogs and then get sad. But I still do it, they call to me like a donut to a dieter. I am curious. I am looking for answers. I am trying to get a glimpse into what might have been. Even though it hurts, I smile at their pictures. A tear rolls down my cheek seeing them hold hands. My heart breaks to see them playing together.

All of a sudden I understand. I understand checking in on a blog - or a friend - and having a pregnant belly smack you in the face. I have been hit with surprise twin announcements and photos more times than I can count. I have been in this similar and familiar place before. I know am not there anymore, but I did not forget what is was like. Once an infertile, always an infertile. We are a sisterhood. I also know that I have three healthy and wonderful boys, and that some have none. There are times that I feel guilty and somewhat alone. I cannot join in with those still trying to conceive their first child, I have graduated from there. But I also do not belong with those who get pregnant without a passing thought, I will never understand their world.

So, I am stuck somewhere in the middle, with a lot of wonderful women by my side. I have moved over to the other side, yet I still carry the pain and memories with me. I cannot and do not try to know what those feel that are still trying. And as difficult as it was to conceive number two and number three, it is not the same. There is no way that it can be the same. But just becasue it was different, doesn't mean that it wasn't difficult to endure. Things will also never be the same after losing Justin's twin. It will always hurt and there will always be reminders. I have moved on still from those inferitles who are now mothers, I have joined into another subgroup for loss. And then another for loss of a twin.

I guess what I am trying to say is sorry to those still trying. I remember what it was like but I also know that my perspective has changed from where I am sitting. I try to support those waiting to be parents and realize that my well intended compassion can also cause some pain. I am still trying to fit into my new world, and doing it the best way that I know. Sorry again if I have caused anyone pain.

Happy Birthday Justin!

I cannot believe that my baby is a year old! Brian and Sean were so exited to celebrate with him. They drove me - and Justin - crazy with the presents. They just couldn't understand how he could play with one toy and just leave the other presents there. Justin even went down for his morning nap without opening one of them! Brian and Sean almost lost it!

We just had a small Winnie the Pooh party - there were a lot of vacation and First Communion and Conformation parties that conflicted with the date. So, we will be trying again next weekend! My Mom, my brother, my sister-in-law (Justin's Godmother) and their three kids came for dinner. It was a nice day so we had burgers on the grill, homemade fries, salad, and broccoli! And of course, yummy cupcakes for dessert! By the end of the night he was so tired that he would stop crawling and just collapse to the floor! Happy Birthday Buddy!

my boys!

Justin's loot
opening presents
new toys
what a smile!
Justin's cake
party hats
singing Happy Birthday

mmmm, icing!more cake

new beach hat!

ready for the beach!

party pooped

Happy Friday!

I have had a great day! Three things happened to make it a great day! First - Brian was off from work today, so I got to get things ready for Justin's birthday tomorrow and run some much needed errands - childless! Woo-hoo! Second - my digital camera broke last week and the good news was that it was still under warranty. The bad news was that it would be out for a week or two to get repaired. When I dropped it off I wasn't thinking and forgot how quickly Justin's birthday was approaching. Most likely, it wouldn't be back in time! Well, I got a call this afternoon saying that my camera was ready! Things like that never happen for me! Yippee!

Third - I was out running errands all day and forgot to call our adoption agency. I talked to P last week and she said to call on Friday to make sure my home study made it there okay. It was a few minutes before 4:00pm and a Friday, so I was afraid that no one would answer. But J answered and said that she had good news. My home study was reviewed and approved and sent out to the main office in Oregon. She said we should be getting our copy next week! Justin in time to get out tax relief check to cover the costs of fingerprinting and submitting our I-600A to USCIS (US Citizen and Immigration Services). Now I have to hope that our home study makes it in the batch to Korea next Friday! Things could not be moving along any better - I really hope things continue this way! It really looks like we will be HSTK (home study to Korea) in May - and maybe even next week!

Star Wars in Philadelphia

There was a Star Wars Exhibit at the Franklin Institute in Philadelphia. It ends this weekend, and I am glad we got there to see it. Brian's friend Jake wanted to take him for his birthday present this year. We had a lot of fun but the boys' were not as excited by the Star Wars stuff as I thought they would be. I think Star Wars is the first movie I remember seeing in a theatre. I think it is great that it is still so popular thirty some years later! Boy do I wish I still had all the Star Wars toys that my brother and I had!

Brian and Sean are big Star Wars fans and love to watch the DVDs. Brian likes Luke and Han, where Sean loves Stormtroopers and Darth Vader. It works out perfectly for playing - no fighting over who is who. But there is some fighting about who wins - Sean wants to change things up a bit and Brian always wants to stay true to the movie script!

Brian, Jake and Becca

Brian looking taller

Brian and Jake with the Landspeeder

Princess Leia, R2D2 and C3PO

Stormtrooper

Darth Vader

Brian liked that he was taller than a Jawa

Han and Chewie

The Millenium Falcon

Tusken Raider

More Bath Photos

two brothers in a tub!

goofy grinsSean getting warmBrian getting warmboo-boo lipI can touch my nose with my tonguestill trying...great smile with crazy hairJustin likes to push shoes like carscrazy hairhappy crawlernot sure what he is doing with his legSean wanted a photo with his hippo sheet