Always in My Heart

Brian had his end of the year pool party last Friday. Brian Sr. had the day off from work, so I went with the older boys and he stayed home with Justin. The weather was perfect and a good time was had by all. Brian and Sean got to swim and I got to chat with the other Moms and Dads. When the party was over I was walking out with the boys and two of their cousins that I was driving home. A Mom of a girl that was in Brian's class last year stopped me to say hello. The boys ran ahead a little but were still inside the gate so I decided to catch up with her for a minute.

I haven't seen her since I was pregnant with Justin. I just didn't realize how long it had been until she spoke. She said, "I saw Brian and Sean run by. But where are the twins?" I am not lying when I say I was caught so off guard that I did not know what to say. I literally just stared at her with my jaw dropped open as my mind searched for an appropriate response. After what seemed like a minute or so of silence I mustered, "I thought you knew. We lost one of the babies while I was pregnant." Her expression changed very quickly and I could tell that she was now silenced by her own search for words. She soon said, "Oh, I am so sorry. I think you did tell me last year. I feel so bad." She is a nice person and I know that she truly meant no harm.

I don't know if it upset me more that I was taken back to the pain of that day so quickly from a simple reference to twins or that someone who knew about it forgot about the baby I lost. To her credit we are by no means close and I would say we are more like acquaintances than friends. And I, in no way, expected her to remember. It just really hurts. I am having a hard time explaining it in words. I only know the pain in my heart. I guess it was so upsetting because that baby is my baby. I really do feel like the Mom of many more than three children. I cannot believe that I have lost more babies than I have here with me. Those babies are always in my heart even though I cannot hold them in my arms.

I came across a post on a blog about loss a few weeks ago. The writer said that she had recently named the babies that she lost. I found this very intriguing. She had losses where she knew the sex and also where she did not know the sex . I never thought to give Justin's twin a name because I don't know the sex of the baby. So, after thinking about this for a while, I decided to try to come up with a name. I wanted something more that Baby A. I searched and searched inside myself but still did not have a feeling as to if the baby was a boy or a girl.

Then it hit me. Sam. Sam! Sam!!!! Yes, Sam was perfect. I have always like the names Samuel and Samantha. Sam is short for both, and can easily be a girl's and a boy's name without jokes and snickers. It is cute and short and so fitting. Another little part of me feels better. Even eighteen months later, I still have healing to be done. I still have forward progress to be made. I still have to find ways to deal with my grief on a daily basis. I miss you Sam.....

Happy Father's Day 2008!

Happy Father's day to my husband! Thanks for being a great Dad and for always being there for the boys! They really enjoy you and look up to you. They miss you so much when you are at work and sometimes count the minutes until you come home! Thanks for all the time you sacrifice doing things for yourself to spend time with them. It is important to me and I am glad that it is important to you too! I hope that you know the face of your daughter for next Father's Day!

Brian and his sons, and I, spend the afternoon watching the US Open. I was one of the most exciting golf matches that I have ever seen. The day ended in a tie and will continue tomorrow! I cannot wait to see how it unfolds!

Yum and Yuck!

The anniversary party for my in-laws went really well today! It was great to see some family that we haven't seen in a long time. Brian, Sean, and Justin were very well behaved and the food was fabulous! They boys enjoyed the food and the Brian and Sean had too many lamb kabobs to count! There were scouting out the waitresses with the lamb trays during the appetizer hour! They also really enjoyed the prime rib for dinner and I think had half a dozen or so rolls each! My favorite was the scallops wrapped in bacon! Yum!!!

Sean of course had the best moment. He was hanging out with his cousin Patrick most of the night. Sean had a roll in his hand and told Patrick that he had to go to the bathroom. Patrick told Sean not to bring his roll into the bathroom as he was headed in the door. Sean looked back at Patrick and stopped. He bent down, put his roll on the floor right outside the bathroom and continued in through the door! Patrick just laughed and walked away! I guess the floor was a better choice than in the bathroom! But, yuck!!!

The Blues

No, not the sad kind of blues, the color blue. Why in the world do there have to be so many shades of blue? My in-laws are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary tomorrow and I wanted the boys to be in matching outfits because there will be a photographer there. I did find them all the same navy blue shorts, but the shirts have seemed to elude me! I wasn't asking for too much, just light blue shirts. You know light blue - sky blue, baby blue, Carolina blue. Sounds pretty easy right?

Wrong! I couldn't find the same shirt in any store that I looked in. I could sometimes find one shirt and other times two shirts in some stores, but never three. Yes, a lot of stores had light blue shirts, but all of the blues were so different. Some were more blue and some more gray. They all looked the same to me until I got them home and put them next to each other. It drove me insane!

I went to about six different stores and walked two different malls. I did finally get three shirts that matched, but they were much more pricey than I would have liked. So, I wish that fabric makers would get their acts together and just make light blue, well, light blue. It would save us moms trying to find matching shirts for pictures so much time running around! And don't get me started on reds or navy blues! Ugh!

Happy 50th Anniversary Mom and Dad!

Upside Down Baby

The following pictures show Justin's new trick. He thinks it is so funny to be upside down and look through his legs at people! It is really cute! I have no idea why he feels the need to always lift one leg and it always seems to be his right leg! Maybe he does spend too much time with the dog! He does run with the dog to the door while barking, share his Milkbones, and at times share dog food too! If he starts licking and sniffing everything and rolling around in smelly things I may have to get him evaluated! I might have to worry if he chases small animals around the back yard and his ears start to perk up at the sound of a delivery truck!

pee-a-boo!

so-o-o-o funny!

Don't Fence Me In

I got the best deal on the baby yard from Craig's list. It was only $30 and it in excellent condition! It even came with the box! I am hoping that this will be a lifesaver at the pool and also at the beach this summer! Justin was not really a big fan of it and tried to climb out while screaming several times! I hope he gets used to it soon! (The pictures are better if you click on them to enlarge them to see his expressions!)

You cannot be serious.

I am less than thrilled
You know you want to pick me up!

Two Week Time-out

Sean was talking about kids in his school and how a lot of them get in trouble all the time. When they get in trouble he said his teacher would put them in time-out. So, of course I had to ask him about his behavior.

Me - Sean, who gets time-outs in school?
Sean - Kody and Logan.
Me - Do you every have to go to time-out?
Sean - No. Never!
Me - Are you sure?
Sean - Yes. Well, sometimes. Okay, like two weeks I was in time-out.

I was laughing so hard - I figure the truth is that he probably was in time-out somewhere between never and two weeks straight! I wonder if I will ever get a serious answer out of him!

Big Boy!

These are some before and after pictures of Justin's first haircut yesterday! He looks so cute and, sigh, so much older. It is amazing how just a little trim can transform a baby into a toddler and I didn't even cut much off! His eyes seem to 'pop' even more and I have to both smile and cry when I see how much he is growing up! My Mom trimmed a bit of the front Saturday and I did the rest on Sunday. I got him to sit still by putting him in his high chair and giving him two off limits toys. Yep, the telephone and the remote. Boy was he happy! So happy in fact that he barely noticed me cutting his hair! We start the bribery young around here!!!

before

before
after
after