Friday, July 31, 2009

Talking, Talking, And Talking!

Justin continues to amaze me on a daily basis with is speaking! He is now putting 3-5 words together and some times 2-3 sentences together. He is using words on a daily basis that I had no idea he could say! And he has learned to tattle on his brothers, although he does not always tell the whole truth.

He will say, "Brian take Justin truck. No Mine!" But what he forgets to say is that he took it from Brian first!

Justin asks for things he wants and does a lot less pointing. His, and my, frustration levels have decreased a lot over the last few weeks. I can see the joy in his eyes when I acknowledge what he is trying so hard to communicate. He smiles and jumps up and down. So cute!

Thursday, July 30, 2009

School Shopping!

I ordered the boys' new backpacks today! Woo-Hoo! My excitement makes me think of that office supply store commercial where the mom is dancing down the isles. She is throwing school supplies into the cart while clicking her heals together. Two kids are dragging their feet along behind the cart with long faces.

It's not that I am in a hurry to get rid of my kids. I enjoy being home with them. But I think they are almost ready to be back at school. Maybe not the homework, but the structure and social settings are good for them. They miss seeing their friends all the time. They are ready for something new. I just have to get over the fact that I have a 3rd grader!

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Only In Seed Form

I am trying to get the boys to try some new foods this summer. Today was hummus. And not just ordinary hummus, home-made by me!

Sean - What is this?
Me - It's a dip for chips and veggies called hummus.
Sean - It smells bad.
Me - Well, it is not for smelling, it is for eating.
Sean - What is it made from?

I had to think about this. Chickpeas. Nope. If I mention anything with the word pea in it, I would be in trouble. So, since it does have tahini (which is made from sesame seeds).....

Me - It is made from sesame seeds. You love sesame bagels.
Sean - Well, I only like them in seed form.

Where does this kid get things from? I mean he is not even 6, and his reply to me is "only in seed form!" The wheels of his brain never stop moving. In fact his whole body never stops moving. I think he grinds his teeth in his sleep just so he can remain in motion!

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Waiting is Hard

Waiting is so hard, no matter what you are waiting for - especially when your heart is involved. The longing for a child is painful whether it is your 1st, or your 17th. But after experiencing the pain of infertility treatments, I think that the wait for the first is different. Not easier or harder or any less painful. Just different.

When you are waiting for you first there is always that thought in the back of your mind that it may never happen. You may never get to be a Mom. Your baby names will go forever unused. Your nursery will remain empty. That part of the hurt is missing while waiting to add another child - or two - to your family.

I went through infertility treatments for many years to conceive my boys. I now accept that it is the route I had to travel. It has not always been easy to stay on the path, but however painful, it is mine. The emotions are mine. The hurt is mine. The pain is mine.

I don't believe that I am a better person or mom or friend than anyone else. But going through what I did has made me better than I was before. I have more empathy and compassion for others. I see more joy in the little things. I definitely take more time to slow down and enjoy life. I don't take anything for granted. I am less quick to judge and jump to conclusions.

Even though there are some good things to be said about my experiences, the pain of infertility and loss didn't just disappear because I had children. Sometimes something someone says, or something I see triggers painful emotions. Many times I am completely taken by surprise. I think that I had all the cracks in the damn filled and then the dam suddenly bursts. The flood crashes in and opens my old wounds.

As if the struggle to get pregnant was not enough, I also had many miscarriages. The hardest was the loss of my youngest son's twin at 18 weeks. Even almost three years later I get choked up. It is a longing and pain for what might have been....

Anger and jealousy and frustration are emotions that definitely come to mind. I admit that I am really jealous of those with their referrals and babies home already. Just as I was jealous of those with big bellies and baby showers before. But I am still happy for them and have to realize that my time will come. Patience is a virtue, but so hard to acquire!

It is not that I cannot be happy for someone else's joy, because I can. It just hurts. Plain and simple. My heart aches for the baby we will get matched with, and for the ones that I lost. And I know that if the treatments had not been successful, that my heart would always ache for that loss. That will never change no matter how many children we have, whether biological or adopted.

Yes, the pain would be different if I never had a child. Really different. Maybe in some ways having children has lessened the pain of infertility and loss, but there is no way it has taken it away. Sometimes adoption seems easier and in some ways the treatments were easier.

With infertility, there is always the chance that things will not end with a baby. But the hands on part of it, made it seem easier at times. I was always doing something - meds, and shots, and ultra sounds, and doctor appts, and surgeries etc. With adoption I know there is a baby at the end, but all I can do is just sit back and wait. I have no control over when my call will come. I think that is what is so hard for me.

If someone had said during treatments that I would be pregnant in a certain month, I could have endured so much longer. Or maybe tried again. I thought adoption would bring that secure time line, and now we are 2+ months longer into the wait than the longest time we were quoted and that is the hardest part for me. Especially since my phone could ring tomorrow, or the call could be months and months from now.

I get upset when people believe that there is a distinction between those that choose to adopt and to not have or try for biological children and those that come to the decision after trying for or having biological children. All have the same desire to create, or add to their families. All are willing to reach out across thousands of miles to bring a child into their homes. All have a place in their heart that needs to be filled.

Our decision to adopt is not a second choice, nor was it an easy one. But it is one that we feel strongly about. I truly feel that the losses and treatments that I had to endure were a way of leading me to where I am now. And for that I am grateful. I cannot wait to get our referral call and see our daughter's face for the first time. I know everything I have experienced will make more sense to me then.

This post made me think of this quote - not sure who said it though."If a thing is worth doing, it is worth doing well. If it is worth having, it is worth waiting for. If it is worth attaining, it is worth fighting for. If it is worth experiencing, it is worth putting aside time for."

Monday, July 27, 2009

Baby Blue Jay

Brian took this photo. The day before, he was bringing up the trash cans. One of the cans was laying on its side. He went to stand it up and heard something inside. He looked down to see a baby blue jay! It started squawking at him. He carried the can over near a bush and gently slid the bird out. The bird went crazy and was squawking even louder.

All of a sudden, the mother blue jay flew in and made a few close passes over Brian's head! Brian quickly moved away from the baby bird. He said the mother bird then swooped down, picked up the baby bird in her beak and flew off! I have never heard of birds picking up their babies!

Well, the next day he saw the baby bird up on the steps to our side door. He took a few pictures, put some water in a Frisbee, and made the bird freak out again. He heard the mother bird and then left for work. We have not seen the baby bird since!

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Let the Dog In!

At the beach house, there is a sliding door and a small deck off of the back of the house. Roc goes out clipped to a chain in the backyard. The chain allows him to make it up onto the deck but not all the way to the sliding door.

Roc barked from the deck and it was Sean's turn to let him in. So I said, "Sean please open the door and let the dog in." Sean walked over to the door and slid it open. He stood there and looked out the door and then looked at me. I again said (in not the same sweet tone as the first request), "Sean let the dog in." He looked at me with a serious face and said, "Mom, I can't let Roc in, he is stuck on the chain."

I was almost too stunned to speak. I guess I forgot to say Sean, go out onto the deck, unhook the dog from the chain, and then let him in the door! And the part that is not funny is that he was head serious. He was not being smart or fresh or sarcastic.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Beach Photo Shoot!

Just tried to get one good picture of the three much harder than it sounds. A few turned out really well!

Friday, July 24, 2009

Ice Cream Sandwich!

Justin was so excited to see the ice cream guy today! He was allowed to pick what he wanted from the pictures on the front. It took him a while, but he finally decided on an ice cream sandwich. The guy handed it to him and there was no containing his excitement. He had the biggest smile on his face and was literally jumping up and down with his ice cream!

I don't think he realized how quickly ice cream melts in the sun on the beach. He cried at first, but then went with the flow and just enjoyed his ice cream and all of its messiness!

"icee ceam"
what a face!
I love it oozing between his fingers

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Jellyfish Everywhere!

Sean hit the jelly fish jackpot today! He found so many of the little clear, disk ones! And two of the bigger ones, that looked like the sun to me. He was so excited and so happy to pose for pictures! Sean is so funny on the beach when he finds a jelly fish. He runs around yelling and screaming, "Jellies! Jellies! Jellies!" People on the beach must have thought that he was nuts! And I had to chuckle because 'jellies' made me think of those awful shoes I wore in junior high!

jelly fish jackpot
more jellies in the surf
more.... Can't you just feel his excitement?
sun jelly

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Justin and the Gulls!

Justin had so much fun feeding the sea gulls Captain Crunch this afternoon. They would make a great pair because Justin only like the berries in the cereal and the sea gulls only like the Captain Crunch part. Maybe there were too many food dyes in the red and green berries! It was so funny to see them swoop in, grab the cereal, and then drop the round berries.

Justin was laughing the whole time. Some kids around us were scared. But not Justin. He was right in there with the birds!

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Flowers, Starfish and Crabs!

Justin was so-o-o cute today while he was smelling the flowers on the deck. The only problem was that I had to take about 20 shots just to catch this one! He was too fast for me! After the marigolds, he also liked to smell the basil leaves too!

The boys searched the jetty today for sea life. Sean and his friend found a huge blue claw crab and finally caught it in the net. Then they walked back to see what else they could find. A few minutes later, he comes back with a starfish! In his hand! This boy is nuts! I never thought that he would just reach down and pick up a starfish! We got a bucket full of water and the starfish quickly adhered to the side.

Well, about an hour later, two girls come walking over to us with their Dad. he says, "I think your son has our starfish." I quickly call Sean over and learn that they let him hold the starfish that they found. Then he asked to show us and they said it was okay. He never told us this and claimed it as his own! I made him give the girls back the starfish and then apologize to them! What a stinker!!!!! He is defense was - "they gave it to me!"

Justin COVERED in sand

Monday, July 20, 2009

Wheat Thins, Seagulls and Teeth!

Sean, my biologist-to-be, was having a snack of wheat thins at the beach. Eating like he usually does, and with the added challenge of having a space from a missing tooth, he was dropping crumbs out all over the beach. In a matter of minutes he was surrounded by swarms of starving seagulls! Sean, of course, thought this was hilarious as people nearby shot him angry glares. So, the more he ate, the more he dropped, and this brought more seagulls swooping in.

Sean danced, and jumped and tried to swat them. He threw big pieces and crumbs. He laughed and screamed. He ducked and hopped. It really was something to see. Kind of like a dance between Sean and the gulls.

Until he let out one big scream! I though for sure one of them had pooped on him or that he bit is tongue or something. Nope. He came running over to me with a huge smile. It took me a minute but them I realized what had happened! His tooth fell out. Second tooth in a matter of days! He was beyond excited, especially since he got $7 from the Tooth Fairy last time because of a miscommunication error between her and her helpers! Boy is he going to have a great song for Christmas!