Monday, June 16, 2008

Always in My Heart

Brian had his end of the year pool party last Friday. Brian Sr. had the day off from work, so I went with the older boys and he stayed home with Justin. The weather was perfect and a good time was had by all. Brian and Sean got to swim and I got to chat with the other Moms and Dads. When the party was over I was walking out with the boys and two of their cousins that I was driving home. A Mom of a girl that was in Brian's class last year stopped me to say hello. The boys ran ahead a little but were still inside the gate so I decided to catch up with her for a minute.

I haven't seen her since I was pregnant with Justin. I just didn't realize how long it had been until she spoke. She said, "I saw Brian and Sean run by. But where are the twins?" I am not lying when I say I was caught so off guard that I did not know what to say. I literally just stared at her with my jaw dropped open as my mind searched for an appropriate response. After what seemed like a minute or so of silence I mustered, "I thought you knew. We lost one of the babies while I was pregnant." Her expression changed very quickly and I could tell that she was now silenced by her own search for words. She soon said, "Oh, I am so sorry. I think you did tell me last year. I feel so bad." She is a nice person and I know that she truly meant no harm.

I don't know if it upset me more that I was taken back to the pain of that day so quickly from a simple reference to twins or that someone who knew about it forgot about the baby I lost. To her credit we are by no means close and I would say we are more like acquaintances than friends. And I, in no way, expected her to remember. It just really hurts. I am having a hard time explaining it in words. I only know the pain in my heart. I guess it was so upsetting because that baby is my baby. I really do feel like the Mom of many more than three children. I cannot believe that I have lost more babies than I have here with me. Those babies are always in my heart even though I cannot hold them in my arms.

I came across a post on a blog about loss a few weeks ago. The writer said that she had recently named the babies that she lost. I found this very intriguing. She had losses where she knew the sex and also where she did not know the sex . I never thought to give Justin's twin a name because I don't know the sex of the baby. So, after thinking about this for a while, I decided to try to come up with a name. I wanted something more that Baby A. I searched and searched inside myself but still did not have a feeling as to if the baby was a boy or a girl.

Then it hit me. Sam. Sam! Sam!!!! Yes, Sam was perfect. I have always like the names Samuel and Samantha. Sam is short for both, and can easily be a girl's and a boy's name without jokes and snickers. It is cute and short and so fitting. Another little part of me feels better. Even eighteen months later, I still have healing to be done. I still have forward progress to be made. I still have to find ways to deal with my grief on a daily basis. I miss you Sam.....

16 comments:

Kathy V said...

I am sorry for this kind of reminder. Those are the saddest ones cause they catch you off guard. When you are expecting the comments (ie a baby shower or other event) you have a way of building up your walls and preparing yourself so the sting isn't so bad but it really catches you off guard when it comes out of the blue like that. It is never easy but as long as you keep Sam and the other babies in your heart they will live with you always. Hugs to you.

SAHW said...

It's hard to be caught off guard like that...but at the same time, reminders of the babies you lost are inevitable, right? I hope naming them helps. And I hope you will come to some sort of peace with you grief.

Lost in Space said...

I'm sorry for your loss and for the reminder at such an unexpected time. I think naming your baby is a beautiful idea and I hope it brings you comfort and healing.

((Hugs))

Ginny said...

I'm very sorry for you pain. Naming is a good idea, I like that. Take care & thanks for stopping by my blog! I'm sure I'll be back with NCLM~

Michelle said...

Naming Justin's twin is a lovely idea! Not only for you, but for the boys as they get older, it'll make it easier to talk about (maybe?)

Nit said...

Although I have not been where you've been...I sympathize & can only imagine how you feel!

I think Sam is the perfect name...especially when you consider the biblical history! :)

Take care :)

Terie said...

{{hugs}} it's all I can offer. I don't know what is like to loose a baby but I do know what its like to love a child--I can see that you do and it will get easier to talk about and easier to deal with these reminders. I think the name is perfect!!

DC said...

Sam is a beautiful name.

Rachel said...

I of course love the name Sam! I know that must have been so hard to hear that question from your friend. It is every woman who has lost a baby's worst nightmare! I know you will always miss Sam!

Cece said...

I can't imagine having to deal with a loss like that - and then having it brought up in such an unexpected way 18 months later. I think you handled it like a champ.

Amanda said...

I am so sorry that this brought up such sad feelings for you. It sounds like you handled it about as well as could be expected. I do like the idea of naming your baby, it sounds like it's helping.

La La said...

I am so sorry sweetie. I know EXACTLY how that feels. I get asked EVERY single day about the triplets and have to tell people that we lost one. Then they all say the same thing "OH, what happened?" To which I respond "It died". Like, what do they think happened?! Ugh. So sorry hun. ((hugs))

They Call Me Bobby said...

I'm sorry you had to go through that...how taken-aback you must have been. I love the name you have given Justin's twin. Like you said, perfect. Here's a ((HuG))) all the way from Indiana!

theclam said...

That must have been really hard, sorry you had to deal with the pain again. BUT I have to say that I LOVE the name you chose for your little one. SAM's are always cool and loved! ;)

Kymberli said...

I have always loved the name Sam, for both girls and boys. What a sweet way to remember your twin.

Thank you so very much for your kind thoughts and words over the past week. They have meant so much to me.

MoxieMamaKC said...

I'm so sorry for your pain. But, I think that's a wonderful way to remember! I wish you all the best...