Always in My Heart

Brian had his end of the year pool party last Friday. Brian Sr. had the day off from work, so I went with the older boys and he stayed home with Justin. The weather was perfect and a good time was had by all. Brian and Sean got to swim and I got to chat with the other Moms and Dads. When the party was over I was walking out with the boys and two of their cousins that I was driving home. A Mom of a girl that was in Brian's class last year stopped me to say hello. The boys ran ahead a little but were still inside the gate so I decided to catch up with her for a minute.

I haven't seen her since I was pregnant with Justin. I just didn't realize how long it had been until she spoke. She said, "I saw Brian and Sean run by. But where are the twins?" I am not lying when I say I was caught so off guard that I did not know what to say. I literally just stared at her with my jaw dropped open as my mind searched for an appropriate response. After what seemed like a minute or so of silence I mustered, "I thought you knew. We lost one of the babies while I was pregnant." Her expression changed very quickly and I could tell that she was now silenced by her own search for words. She soon said, "Oh, I am so sorry. I think you did tell me last year. I feel so bad." She is a nice person and I know that she truly meant no harm.

I don't know if it upset me more that I was taken back to the pain of that day so quickly from a simple reference to twins or that someone who knew about it forgot about the baby I lost. To her credit we are by no means close and I would say we are more like acquaintances than friends. And I, in no way, expected her to remember. It just really hurts. I am having a hard time explaining it in words. I only know the pain in my heart. I guess it was so upsetting because that baby is my baby. I really do feel like the Mom of many more than three children. I cannot believe that I have lost more babies than I have here with me. Those babies are always in my heart even though I cannot hold them in my arms.

I came across a post on a blog about loss a few weeks ago. The writer said that she had recently named the babies that she lost. I found this very intriguing. She had losses where she knew the sex and also where she did not know the sex . I never thought to give Justin's twin a name because I don't know the sex of the baby. So, after thinking about this for a while, I decided to try to come up with a name. I wanted something more that Baby A. I searched and searched inside myself but still did not have a feeling as to if the baby was a boy or a girl.

Then it hit me. Sam. Sam! Sam!!!! Yes, Sam was perfect. I have always like the names Samuel and Samantha. Sam is short for both, and can easily be a girl's and a boy's name without jokes and snickers. It is cute and short and so fitting. Another little part of me feels better. Even eighteen months later, I still have healing to be done. I still have forward progress to be made. I still have to find ways to deal with my grief on a daily basis. I miss you Sam.....