Peace

I guess, for those that don't know, I should start by saying that I have had six early miscarriages and one second trimester loss that was Justin's twin. They all hit me really hard, but I guess losing Justin's twin was the worst. Before Justin, I would see babies and feel upset and even jealous. Why me? Then I would feel guilty because I had Brian and Sean, they were healthy and I was grateful.

At times, I have been more upset than I think I have let anyone know about my miscarriages. It gets easy to forget when you are wrapped up in life. But the losses were always there, just waiting to appear and bring me to my knees. It is funny how life works like that - good one day and horrible the next - often with no warning. Luckily, I have the type of personality that "rolls with the punches." It takes a lot to shake me up. The losses did devastate me, but I am the type to keep my chin up, no matter what. Life goes on. And what did I have to be sad about - I had a wonderful family already.

But after each loss, I knew that I still had it in me to keep trying to get pregnant and to carry a baby full term. I was not going to give up, I wanted another baby. I don't know what it was, but I knew that I still had fight left in me. Two of the three doctors at my fertility clinic were ready to tell me to stop treatments. One doctor believed in me and trusted that I could and would get pregnant. I will never forget him or his support and truly believe that he is part of the reason that I have Justin today. I am so glad that I kept on fighting.

I don't know if it has just been time that has helped me to heal or if it is Justin becoming older and more of a "person" than a helpless infant. Sure, some babies do cry more than others and they have different sleep patterns, but for the first few months most babies are very similar. Basically, all they do is eat, sleep, and poop.

Anyway, I was holding Justin yesterday and we were playing. He was laughing and cooing and thinking I was funny! I could see that he thought I was the best thing ever. He was so happy and it really warmed my heart. He laughs differently and at different things than Brian and Sean did, he smiles differently, he makes funny faces differently, he hits milestones at different times etc. Justin stretched his arms out and placed both of his hands on my cheeks, he then looked into my eyes and smiled.

At that very moment it hit me - if I would have carried any other of those babies to term, I would not have this one. It brought tears to my eyes. And for the first time ever, I didn't long for those other babies - I wanted Justin just the way he was! I told him I was glad that he was here with us and that I loved him very much. I know he didn't understand my words, but he was looking at me and listening intently.

He was the baby for our family and the baby for me. I love him just a little more than I did the day before - and I never thought that was possible. Not only do I think he is special, but he helped me to heal in a way that I never thought possible. I am no longer bitter or resentful that I had to endure the miscarriages.

Yes, they were hard and painful and I will never forget the babies that I lost, but I am at peace with what has happened. I am even at peace with losing his twin - if his twin would have survived there is a chance I might have lost them both of them. I feel like I am walking taller and a huge weight has been lifted from me. It seems that very often, things, good and bad, hit you when you are not even expecting them. I hope that anyone else that has ever suffered a loss will find the peace that I have.

Chicken Feast

Brian had his friend Alexis over and they wanted to jump in the leaves. Brian Sr. told them if they wanted a leaf pile that they had to rake some leaves. So, they all got a rake and went to work! Alexis knew what she was doing - you could tell that girl had a rake in her hand before! Brian had the right idea, but Sean needed a little teaching. They did a good job - with a little help, and had fun jumping in the pile. It was a little early in the season to get a huge pile of leaves, but they still had fun!

Then, Alexis said that they should go to neighbor's houses and ask them if they could rake their leaves. Brian thought this was a terrible idea until Alexis told him that they would get paid money for it - then he was all in! We knew they needed help, so I sent the kids and Brian Sr. up the street to our friend's house.

She answered the door and said hello to the kids. Alexis asked, "Can we rake your leaves?" She told them, "Okay" and then Alexis added, "For money!" My friend couldn't do anything but laugh and then agreed. They kids raked a little - I think Sean lasted about two minutes. So Brian Sr. had to help out a lot. They finished and walked away with some cookies and a few quarters each. They were more than happy with their earnings! Brian told our friend that she didn't have to pay the kids and she said it was worth a few quarters to her - she will let her husband think that she raked the leaves!

Then they came inside to get ready for dinner. Alexis wanted to eat over and called he mom to ask. While they were getting ready to wash up for dinner, Alexis says that she needs to go to the bathroom. Sean says, "It is hard work to go to the bathroom in this house! First you have to flush, then you have to jiggle (the chain inside to flush sticks sometimes, so we have to jiggle the handle to keep the water from running and running), and you always have to pee only in the water!" Oh what mean parents we are - flush and only pee in the toilet! How can he live with us! He did forget to add "put the seat down" - but it sounds like he has enough to worry about for now!

We had hamburgers on the grill for dinner - Alexis told us that she loves cheeseburgers. She gets her burger and is not too happy about it. She says, "I don't really like burgers too much, but I do like cheese. I wanted to stay for dinner, so I said I liked them!" This girl is a piece of work!

Later, she asks a question, "Do you know that thing when the whole family likes chicken?" I say, "Do you mean when they don't like chicken or meat?" I thought she was trying to say she was a vegetarian so didn't want to eat the burger. She says, "No, when you eat chicken." We all take a few more guesses and nothing is right. Then she says, "You know, the big feast where you have a chicken as a family." I say, "Oh, Thanksgiving. And I think you mean turkey." She says, "No chicken. Wait. No. It is turkey!" And she laughs at her mistake. Then Alexis says, "Yeah. we are going to have Thanksgiving with my family." Okay, it only took ten minutes and totally confusing everyone to tell us that she will eat a Thanksgiving meal with her family! We had to laugh!

Sean smiling in the leaves

Brian and Sean raking
Sean, Brian, and Alexis
silly friends
leaf monster zombies!

Teeth and Teasing

I knew it wouldn't be long because I could see a bump on his gums - but wowie-wow-wow! (Can you tell we read Junie B. books?) Another tooth today! It is the other bottom one. Justin is a little grumpy today like he was on Friday but taking it well, with Tylenol that is. I bought teething tablets that friends said have worked for their kids. I gave them to him on Friday and they really did seem to help him. I just gave him some now, so we will see if it was just a fluke!

Brian Jr. could not get any closer to losing his first top tooth - the two middle bottom are already out and the adult teeth are coming back in. Of course, he won't let us get anywhere near it! It sticks out at a funny angle and he has to bite all his foods on the sides of his mouth. Oooh, if we could just get one good yank on it! We are having fun teasing the boys about Justin biting them! Hey - if you can't "torture" the kids sometimes - what fun is it to have them!

Speaking of having fun with the kids, I am reminded of the time when Brian was about three years old and he wanted to run away from home. He didn't want to go far - his best friend lived across the street and he wanted to move in with them. I guess if the grass is greener on the other side of the fence that it holds true for the other side of the street too!

So, we tell him that he can go but he can't take any toys with him, since they belong to this house. He was okay with that - his friend had plenty of toys. Then we tell him he has to think of a new name because we gave him his name and he cannot take that either. Fine with him, he will just be named Buzz Lightyear. Every three year olds dream! He is dead serious about this and Brian and I are trying so hard to keep from laughing.

We try to tell him a few more things, like there might be earlier bed times or more veggies and he is not buying any of it and definitely beating us at our own game. We cannot get him to back down for anything! Now my feelings are starting to get hurt - he wants to go live with another family so badly that he will leave all traces of his former life behind! Okay, I know a little dramatic but all Moms want their kids to like them best! Right?

Then a little light bulb goes off. I tell him that he cannot take his clothes with him either. He says that his friend has clothes that he can wear. I tell him that he cannot take the clothes that he is wearing either. He just stares at me in disbelief and then proceeds to strip down naked. And he again starts for the door. We decide to see how far he will really take this - and are also out of ideas.

As he goes, in a drastic last effort, we tell him that there is no coming back, you won't have this Mommy and Daddy anymore, and we will cry because we will miss you so much. But nothing phases him. All he sees is a play date everyday for the rest of his life with his best friend! He opens the front door and walks out onto the drive way. Keep in mind it is the middle of winter with freezing temperatures and he is totally naked! We watch him and expect him to turn around at any second. But he doesn't, and so Brian has to go out and get him before the neighbors call the police on us!

He cried when we brought him back inside and got him dressed - he really thought we were going to let him go and live across the street. He was so determined to make it happen! We still get a good laugh every time we tell this story. And the best part is now we can embarrass him with the story - he was the winner in round one - but we now have an embarrassing naked story to tell for many years to come! I think his first girlfriend will love it!

Poopy Saturday!

We headed to the University of Delaware today to see my nephew Joe play football again. We got off to a late start but luckily, we parked with plenty of time to make it to the game. It was really cold and we packed plenty of blankets and hats and gloves. The boys got out of the car and we got Justin out of his car seat to put his snowsuit on. He smelled a little funny, so I thought I should check his diaper before we went into the stadium.

I put him down on the front seat and got through his five layers to his diaper. I saw that he had definitely pooped and some had gotten on the edge of his onsie. Okay, not too bad. I was weighing the amount of poop on the edge of the leg hole with the amount of time it would take to get him completely changed. The little bit of poop won - I figured he would be fine. This is what happens to the third child.

With the first child - you panic. I might of made Brian Sr. drive down the street to a hotel so I could give Brian a bath and warm him up before I redressed him for the game. With the second you realize he will be fine with a wipe bath and do the best you can with what you have. I would have changed all Sean's clothes - even his socks just in case I missed a little poop somewhere. With the third you try to figure out how much a little poop stain will smell through five layers of clothes and a snowsuit! I figured it wouldn't smell too bad - especially since breast milk poop doesn't really smell very bad at all. It has a sour kind of smell but definitely not a poop smell!

So, I take some wipes and start to clean off the edge of his onsie. I follow the bright yellow poop trail around the leg hole. I am proud of myself because I got most of it out with only the wipes! Then I have one of those moments that I talk about where you are frozen in time; staring at something in disbelief. I lifted up his bottom to get he diaper out and OH MY GOSH!

It was - poop everywhere. It was - a disaster. It was - through three of the five layers he had on! It was - all up his back and almost to his neck! It was - slimy and goopy! It was - a good thing I don't have a weak stomach. It was - a good thing I packed him an extra set of layers!

Again, I stood there and stared again - this time it was the "how in the world do I do this without getting poop on me and the car" stare! I knew exactly what to do - I was an experienced Mom. I have seen my share of blow-outs before. I can handle this!

I got his diaper area clean and decided to sit him up so that I could get his shirts off. I rolled them from the bottom up to trap the poop inside the shirts. I did this so that when I took them off over his head no poop would get in his hair! I don't know what I would have done then. Well, he is the third - maybe used a wipe or poured a cold water bottle over his head and then put his hat back on?

Then I wiped him clean. By the way - he smiled and cooed the whole time! What a little stinker - literally! I really thought that he was going to cry. I did change him in the car, but the door was open and it was windy and about 40 degrees with a strong breeze. If someone took off all my clothes in that weather and then tried to clean me with a freezing cold wipe - I would have screamed! Nope, not Justin - he is such a happy go with the flow baby!

sitting Justin up to clean his back

the blow out!

We made it up into the stands and had only missed the first few seconds of the game. We were in the top row of the stadium and as I said it was really windy! The boys were freezing before the first quarter was over! Well, they said they were freezing anyway. They each had on a shirt, a hooded sweat shirt, jeans, a jacket, a hat with their hoods pulled up over it, gloves, and a fleece blanket! I would bet anything that if it was snowing and they were outside playing and had on the same amount of clothing, that they wouldn't be cold! It wasn't even below freezing!

It was a really good game and they had to play five overtimes! Can you imagine? The kids were so excited and counting down the minutes to the fourth quarter so they could get in the car and get warm. It looked like Delaware was going to lose and then they got the ball back with less than a minute to go. After a few quick plays, Joe rushed in for a touchdown with less than a second left on the clock and tied up the game. Brian Jr. said, "Oh good a tie. Now can we go home?" No ties in football! The boys were now excited that Delaware might win but just wanted the game to be over after the second overtime.

Some tears were shed during the last two overtimes - they have been told that there is no crying in baseball - I guess it is allowed in football. I was waiting for someone to make a rude comment about the crying kids. Either a dirty look that said "Make your kids be quiet" or a shameful look that said "Will you get those poor kids home to get warm!" But we got neither because our section was pretty much deserted after the thrid quarter. Wimps!
*disclaimer - the boys were not really cold, just bored, and if they had been really cold I would have taken them to the car*

In the first overtime, both teams scored a touch down and got the extra point - still tied. In the second overtime, the same thing happened. In the third over time, Richmond didn't score and Delaware missed the field goal - it was a bad snap and actually hit the upright!! Ugh! In the fourth overtime, they both scored and both got the two-point conversion! In the fifth overtime Richmond scored and missed the two-point conversion - but Delaware failed to score! It was so crazy - back and forth and back and forth! What a roller coaster of winning and losing. I could hardly sit still, I cannot imagine how the players were feeling.

It was still a good game and they have nothing to be ashamed of - Joe completed 26 of 38 passes for 375 yards and rushed for two touchdowns - all in all a good game but not a win. It was the longest game in Delaware history and the 118 combined points was also a record. So a double poopy Saturday - Justin's blow-out and a Delaware loss. The have to win next week at Villanova to guarantee a play-off spot! Go Blue Hens!

great photo of Joe from Delaware's website!

Brian and Sean trying to keep warm what a great picture!Brian all bundled upSean bored and playing GameBoystill trying to keep warmJustin and Joe

We have a tooth!

Justin got his first tooth today - lower left! I checked yesterday and felt nothing but today there was the point of a tooth coming through! I cannot feel the one next to it yet - but it looks like it is getting really close to coming in too! Yeah Justin! Sean yells, "Now Justin can eat food!" Not quite - not the food Sean is thinking of anyway.

Justin still is enjoying his rice cereal - I added some sweet potatoes yesterday and he made a face at the first bite, but soon got the hang of it!

I tried to get some pictures of his first tooth coming though - it was a struggle - but I think you should be able to see it in the pictures!

you can barely see a little white bump -

right above my lower finger on his gum line

close-up of the two white bumps

Lego Sponge Bob

Sean came up from the basement with these yellow Legos today. He gave them to me and said, "Mom, can you build me a Sponge Bob with these?" I had to tell him that I had no idea how to build a Sponge Bob with these Legos. He looked at me with those sad puppy dog eyes. So, I built few things, none of which looked anything like Sponge Bob. He finally gave up and gathered his Legos and went back downstairs.

any ideas?

I can build Legos - but only the kind that come with the right pieces and directions. I am good a following directions, just don't ask me to build a ship or a plane or an undersea creature off the top of my head - not happening. My brain just doesn't work that way.

I felt bad for him - I guess I should have majored in Advanced Lego Engineering in college. I would be getting more use out of it now than I am from Calculus or Organic Chemistry! I am sure my old texts books for both classes would read like a foreign language to me. I am remembering something about tangents and cosines. I decided to look up cosine in the dictionary - it has been so long that I forgot how to spell it. (Stop laughing Brian) Webster's New World Dictionary defines it as, "the ratio between the side adjacent to a given acute angle in a right triangle and the hypotenuse; reciprocal of the secant of an angle or arc." Okay, is everyone clear?

I guess that was because I was doing Calculus with my before-kids brain! It really makes a lot of difference. I am not even going to try to remember my Chemistry stuff - I am seeing some building of molecules - Ugh, my brain hurts! I remember more than a few teachers trying to tell me that different classes have practical, everyday applications!

Unless they start offering classes like - How to grocery shop for pennies, Identifying different kinds of rashes and other scary marks, How to get poop, pee, grass, mud and keptchup out of clothes, How to wrestle like you are in WWF, How to do 101 things at once - and make dinner, How to drive with screaming kids in the car and maybe even How to make Playdough pizza or The many ways to get kids to eat veggies! I sure could have used some of that knowledge before I had kids!

Camping Out

Brian Sr. let the boys sleep down in the living room in their sleeping bags tonight. I am not sure if it is really camping if there is no tent and you are inside, but hey the boys were super excited. And can you believe they didn't understand why I didn't want to sleep on the floor in the living room! Their Dad was a good sport and he slept with them - but on the couch. Justin and I retired to our beds!

It was almost 9:00 pm and Sean was so tired! He kept asking his Dad to turn off the TV and the lights - but Brian Jr. wanted to watch TV for a few minutes. Well, Sean likes his sleep so he improvised and put Blankie over his face. Before I went to sleep, I did move it off his face! I hope they sleep in tomorrow and don't decide to wake up at 6 am!

Sean, and Brian for the most part, have always loved their sleep. A few times, Sean has said he was ready for bed and walked up the steps to bed. Neither of them has ever given us any trouble about going to bed - except for a few "I need a drink of water" requests. But that is probably only a few times each in their whole lives. Both were sleeping through the night by about 7-8 weeks old and since then, have only been up a couple of times - and each of those times they were sick! Justin seems to be following in their footsteps - he is a great sleeper too.

I think part of it is that they are just naturally good sleepers and they need a lot of sleep because they are so active. I have heard that some kids just don't need as much sleep. And the other part is that I am, and always was, from day one strict about bed time and nap time. I accepted no excuses and often they did have to "cry it out" a few times. But that was not for long and the problem resolved itself after a day or two!

I know there are some moms and dads that will be reading this that will want to scream. I have heard all kinds of horror stories about kids not sleeping or being in parents' beds all night or even parents in the kids' beds all night! So thank you Brian, Sean, and Justin for letting your Mom and Dad sleep. It is very much appreciated!

Sean finding some sleep

Brian and Sean camping out!

Adoption Meeting

Brian and I had an adoption meeting today. It was one of our required classes - it was from 10-12 and then lunch from 12-1 and then class from 1-3. We only had two other couples in our group, so that was really nice! We did get some good information but most of it was geared toward childless couples. They went into bonding and attachment issues and some basic child care. We talked about what it means to be adopted and the grieving that kids can go through at all different ages. We did learn some interesting facts about adoption in general and also some "scary" things!

First the adoption facts - the term "up for adoption" came in the 1800's because kids were put on trains to be adopted. Sometimes the kids were just rounded up off the streets against their will and their parents' will! When they arrived at their destination, the kids were "put up"
on a platform and picked by prospective parents! Can you imagine?

The scary part to me is that since our daughter will be around eight to ten months old when she arrives home with us, she will miss her foster parents and grieve for them. She may be very angry, or "spacey" and even refuse to make eye contact or cuddle with us. She may search and search the house for them and cry when she cannot find them. Everything will be new to her - faces, sights, sounds, smells! It will be like us being dropped off in a foreign country and sent to live with people that we don't know and we have no idea what they are saying. Sounds pretty scary to me.

The good news is that they all begin to bond and trust again. They have been loved and well taken care of, even spoiled, by their foster families and that means a lot to me. They know how to love and how to trust - it just takes a little while for those bonds to form again. I have to say that a few times I got teary eyed talking about the losses that the birth mother, foster mother and baby will go through. I will be happy to have her but will never forget the sacrifices that others made to give her a better life.

Another interesting thing is that she will be used to sleeping on a mat on the floor with her foster mom! Yikes! So she will have no idea what a crib is or how to sleep by herself - I foresee more sleepless nights than I had with Brian, Sean and Justin combined. The other thing is that she will be used to being carried most of the day. The women in South Korea go about their days and errands and chores with babies on their backs! I can not imagine toting Justin around all day! The good thing is that this closeness helps to strengthen the mother/child bonds even quicker.

Finishing this class brings us one step closer to bringing Kathryn home! We have two more classes to do over the next 12 months or so - we just need to have them completed by the time we get a referral! Our home study packet is almost finished and then we will receive an invoice for our home visits. After that - more fingerprints and USCIS clearance and paper work will all be send to Korea and the big wait begins! But I hear that the wait to travel, even though it is shorter, is much harder than the wait for referral. While you are waiting to travel, you know who your child is and yet you have to wait until you can meet her! Ugh!