I made it out to the grocery store and without fail it was raining. I don't know why, but lately it seems to be raining when I decide to grocery shop. I also got to go all by myself! I will trade a little rain for freedom in the aisles any day!
So, I am finished most of my shopping and headed down the soda aisle. I always check the Coke and Pepsi to see which is on sale. One or the other almost always is. I just refuse to pay $1.79 for a 2-liter when I can get it five for $4.00. I look at the displays and Coke is on sale, Pepsi is not. I load up my cart with a few Caffeine Free Diet Cokes. As I am doing this, the Pepsi guy arrives with his stuff. He is filling the shelves with Pepsi products.
It is really funny but I find myself almost feeling bad for buying his competitor's soda. I am sure the delivery guy doesn't really care what is in my cart, but I feel like he is staring at me. It's not like I regularly chose one brand over the other. I almost feel like telling him I would have bought Pepsi if it was the one on sale.
Some people are strict Pepsi or Coke people. I guess "coke" is the brand name that has become a noun for soda or pop. But to those who have a preference, it is a big deal. I know some people that only frequent restaurants that sell their brand of choice. Or they pay full price for their favorite. Or they just refuse to drink soda if only the other brand is served. To each his own, I guess. Maybe I have slowly evolving taste buds or something, but I don't think I would be able to tell in a blind taste test. If it is cold, helps quench my thirst and none of my kids peed in it or stuck muddy fingers in it, fine with me.
I also feel bad for the bread delivery guys when I buy another brand and they are loading the shelves. I would really like to feel bad for the Tastycake guy and have to buy all the cupcakes and such - Butterscotch Krimpets - Yum! I guess I don't really have to figure out where Brian Jr. gets his desire to be a "people pleaser." Here I am wanting the delivery guys to be happy because I bought what they are stacking the shelves with. I want to make thier day by buying Pepsi or Wonder! Hey, I never claimed to be normal or sane.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
WMOTY Awards
Yep, I have just nominated myself for a WMOTY, said wa-mott-y! The funny thing is with this award you mostly nominate yourself. What your haven't heard of a WMONTY? It is better known as Worst Mom Of The Year! I felt so bad yesterday. Let's just say it was one of those mornings. If you have to get out of the house in the morning you know what I am talking about - if you have to get kids out of the house in the morning then you really know what I am talking about.
The fun started after I finished nursing Justin and came down stairs to see the progress my husband had made with getting the kids ready for school . He has gotten really good making them breakfast and telling them to get dressed - making lunch needs some work. But I am grateful for the help, especially since I have to nurse the baby.
It was almost 8:00 am and we have to leave for school about 8:15. I remembered that it was library day and Brian didn't have his book! I had casually looked yesterday and just figured it would turn up - it usually does. Well, we searched the house for fifteen minutes and came up with nothing. My worst fear was that it had gotten mixed up with the newspapers and mistakenly put out with the recyclable trash. That trash was, of course, picked up yesterday.
I thought that this was really strange because I usually see it around during the week - on the ottoman, on the dining room table, in Brian's bed, on the steps, in the foyer - and I had no recollection of seeing it recently. I found a few things under the couch - a car, a pretzel, a fruit snack and a different book. But no library book. I told Brian I would look for it while he was in school.
At that time he realized that he had to go to school with no library book and the tears started. He said he didn't want to go to school and his belly hurt. Then his leg hurt and his head and anything else that might get him out of school. I told him he had to go to school and that he could get a new book next week. And the kids who forget their books still get to go to the library and browse, they just don't get to take one home. It's not like he has to sit in the corner with a dunce cap on!
I had to practically shove him into the car and by this time the tears had become all out sobbing. I had to buckle him - which he usually does himself - because he sat there and refused to buckle. I guess he figured that if he wasn't buckled that I couldn't drive him to school. He cried and yelled the whole way to school. I was yelling at him and quickly losing my patience. I told him that it was not my fault that he couldn't find his library book. He got a lecture about getting older and being responsible. He was told that, at times, I do know what I am talking about and when I tell him to put things away it is for a good reason - so he can find them later.
We park on the side of his school and he says he is not getting out of the car. Let's just say he finally decided that it was in his best interest to get out himself before I had to remove him from the car. Good move on his part. I had to practically drag him up the sidewalk crying and saying he didn't want to school. This was by far the most fun I have had in long time. A little sarcasim is always good. You know there were about twenty or so parents staring at us the whole time. And to make things even better, he kept saying, "I don't feel good. My belly hurts. Don't send me to school." Maybe they wold have nominated me for a WMOTY too!
So, of course every few feet I had to explain that he was upset because he couldn't find his library book and that he didn't feel good from crying the past fifteen minutes straight, not because he had an illness. Still, some looked at me like I was nuts and some gave understanding smiles. I tried not to make eye contact and keep all my concentration on Brian and keeping myself from losing control. I got him to the edge of the playground just in time for his class to start walking in. He refused to follow them in and walked over and held onto the fence. He kept saying that he wanted me to go in with him. I felt like one of those cartoon characters where the steam was coming out of my ears and my face was turning bright red.
All of the kids were in the building, and the teacher on yard duty came over and tried to talk him into coming into the building. No dice. I told he she could physically 'help' him in if she had to. I have to give permission before they can touch him at all. He resisted this too. The teacher finally asked me if I would walk him just to the door. I hesitated because I didn't want him to win but I didn't want to not help the teacher either. He was fine with this and walked into the building. The crying had now slowed down into a few short bursts of sniffling.
As I was walking back to my car, a couple of the moms I know were still outside talking. They had some sympathy for me and congratulated me on keeping my cool with Brian. It was hard, but I managed to keep calm at all times. One of the moms said that she couldn't find her son's library book either and that it was strange that she hadn't seen it lying around.
Then, by some miracle, we both came to the realization that both of our kids were sick for library last Wednesday. And coincidentally they both brought their library books from the week before back on Tuesday because they were finished with them. And then missed Wednesday for library, so no book! I felt so miserable. I usually laugh at myself when I forget things, but this was important and my short term memory loss had now hurt my kid!
Brian had been so upset and I felt so guilty for getting mad and lecturing him. Not that a little talk about responsibility will hurt him. I know the school doesn't normally allow parents to talk to students unless it is an emergency, but I had to try. I took off toward the front of the school to get buzzed in. I was almost in tears, Brian had such a tough morning - if I had only remembered that he was sick last week about an hour earlier!
The secretary buzzed me in, and I walked up to the office. The principal was in there too with her coat on. She asked what I needed. I explained what had happened and told her I just wanted to put Brian's mind at ease. He and his teacher would both have a better day. She said that she would get him the message, but I had to leave because they were going to have a fire drill. I felt upset again and wondered if they would really remember to tell him. Especially since they were getting the message minutes before a fire drill.
I left the building just as the alarm sounded. The lights in the building quickly went off and the children began filing out of the building. I saw Brian's class and when they got to their assigned location, I walked over to him. I am not sure if it was allowed or not, but I needed to speak to him. I crouched down and whispered in his ear that he was sick last Wednesday and that he did not forget his book or lose it. I said I was sorry that we didn't remember he was sick last week. A huge smile immediately covered his face. He looked as if a huge weight had been lifted from him. I fought back every urge to kiss and hug him. I know he doesn't like this in front of his friends, let alone the whole school. I whispered to my friend's little boy - he understood too!
Walking back to my car again, I saw the principal and she asked if I got to speak to Brian. I said yes and thanked her. I guess I won't be getting in trouble for breaking some fire drill rules! Driving home I felt so much better and knew that I wouldn't have to be at home worrying about Brian all day.
I got home to pick up Sean to take him to school. As soon as I get his coat out, he starts crying about not wanting to go to school! Ugh! I guess the mood of the morning rubbed off on him. He cried getting into the car but had stopped when we started driving. By the time we got to his school he was happy again and even ran into the building. Not as bad as I thought it was going to be.
I really feel so bad for Brian in these situations. He is such a rule follower and a people pleaser that it really upsets him and embarrasses him when he does something like lose his library book - even though he didn't really lose it. He is worried about letting the teacher down and being the only one without a library book. It is hard for me because on one side I want to shelter him and make it all better, but on the other side he does have to learn to be more responsible and be held accountable for his actions or lack of actions.
Being a mom is hard and involves some tough choices, especially as he gets older. As a parent, I know I have to start to let go and always coming to his rescue, but it is hard to let him fail in order to help him learn an important lesson. I have to remember that he is human and bad and good days will always fill his life. What is important are not the few scattered bad days, but that I raise a caring and responsible adult that will have a positive impact on society.
The fun started after I finished nursing Justin and came down stairs to see the progress my husband had made with getting the kids ready for school . He has gotten really good making them breakfast and telling them to get dressed - making lunch needs some work. But I am grateful for the help, especially since I have to nurse the baby.
It was almost 8:00 am and we have to leave for school about 8:15. I remembered that it was library day and Brian didn't have his book! I had casually looked yesterday and just figured it would turn up - it usually does. Well, we searched the house for fifteen minutes and came up with nothing. My worst fear was that it had gotten mixed up with the newspapers and mistakenly put out with the recyclable trash. That trash was, of course, picked up yesterday.
I thought that this was really strange because I usually see it around during the week - on the ottoman, on the dining room table, in Brian's bed, on the steps, in the foyer - and I had no recollection of seeing it recently. I found a few things under the couch - a car, a pretzel, a fruit snack and a different book. But no library book. I told Brian I would look for it while he was in school.
At that time he realized that he had to go to school with no library book and the tears started. He said he didn't want to go to school and his belly hurt. Then his leg hurt and his head and anything else that might get him out of school. I told him he had to go to school and that he could get a new book next week. And the kids who forget their books still get to go to the library and browse, they just don't get to take one home. It's not like he has to sit in the corner with a dunce cap on!
I had to practically shove him into the car and by this time the tears had become all out sobbing. I had to buckle him - which he usually does himself - because he sat there and refused to buckle. I guess he figured that if he wasn't buckled that I couldn't drive him to school. He cried and yelled the whole way to school. I was yelling at him and quickly losing my patience. I told him that it was not my fault that he couldn't find his library book. He got a lecture about getting older and being responsible. He was told that, at times, I do know what I am talking about and when I tell him to put things away it is for a good reason - so he can find them later.
We park on the side of his school and he says he is not getting out of the car. Let's just say he finally decided that it was in his best interest to get out himself before I had to remove him from the car. Good move on his part. I had to practically drag him up the sidewalk crying and saying he didn't want to school. This was by far the most fun I have had in long time. A little sarcasim is always good. You know there were about twenty or so parents staring at us the whole time. And to make things even better, he kept saying, "I don't feel good. My belly hurts. Don't send me to school." Maybe they wold have nominated me for a WMOTY too!
So, of course every few feet I had to explain that he was upset because he couldn't find his library book and that he didn't feel good from crying the past fifteen minutes straight, not because he had an illness. Still, some looked at me like I was nuts and some gave understanding smiles. I tried not to make eye contact and keep all my concentration on Brian and keeping myself from losing control. I got him to the edge of the playground just in time for his class to start walking in. He refused to follow them in and walked over and held onto the fence. He kept saying that he wanted me to go in with him. I felt like one of those cartoon characters where the steam was coming out of my ears and my face was turning bright red.
All of the kids were in the building, and the teacher on yard duty came over and tried to talk him into coming into the building. No dice. I told he she could physically 'help' him in if she had to. I have to give permission before they can touch him at all. He resisted this too. The teacher finally asked me if I would walk him just to the door. I hesitated because I didn't want him to win but I didn't want to not help the teacher either. He was fine with this and walked into the building. The crying had now slowed down into a few short bursts of sniffling.
As I was walking back to my car, a couple of the moms I know were still outside talking. They had some sympathy for me and congratulated me on keeping my cool with Brian. It was hard, but I managed to keep calm at all times. One of the moms said that she couldn't find her son's library book either and that it was strange that she hadn't seen it lying around.
Then, by some miracle, we both came to the realization that both of our kids were sick for library last Wednesday. And coincidentally they both brought their library books from the week before back on Tuesday because they were finished with them. And then missed Wednesday for library, so no book! I felt so miserable. I usually laugh at myself when I forget things, but this was important and my short term memory loss had now hurt my kid!
Brian had been so upset and I felt so guilty for getting mad and lecturing him. Not that a little talk about responsibility will hurt him. I know the school doesn't normally allow parents to talk to students unless it is an emergency, but I had to try. I took off toward the front of the school to get buzzed in. I was almost in tears, Brian had such a tough morning - if I had only remembered that he was sick last week about an hour earlier!
The secretary buzzed me in, and I walked up to the office. The principal was in there too with her coat on. She asked what I needed. I explained what had happened and told her I just wanted to put Brian's mind at ease. He and his teacher would both have a better day. She said that she would get him the message, but I had to leave because they were going to have a fire drill. I felt upset again and wondered if they would really remember to tell him. Especially since they were getting the message minutes before a fire drill.
I left the building just as the alarm sounded. The lights in the building quickly went off and the children began filing out of the building. I saw Brian's class and when they got to their assigned location, I walked over to him. I am not sure if it was allowed or not, but I needed to speak to him. I crouched down and whispered in his ear that he was sick last Wednesday and that he did not forget his book or lose it. I said I was sorry that we didn't remember he was sick last week. A huge smile immediately covered his face. He looked as if a huge weight had been lifted from him. I fought back every urge to kiss and hug him. I know he doesn't like this in front of his friends, let alone the whole school. I whispered to my friend's little boy - he understood too!
Walking back to my car again, I saw the principal and she asked if I got to speak to Brian. I said yes and thanked her. I guess I won't be getting in trouble for breaking some fire drill rules! Driving home I felt so much better and knew that I wouldn't have to be at home worrying about Brian all day.
I got home to pick up Sean to take him to school. As soon as I get his coat out, he starts crying about not wanting to go to school! Ugh! I guess the mood of the morning rubbed off on him. He cried getting into the car but had stopped when we started driving. By the time we got to his school he was happy again and even ran into the building. Not as bad as I thought it was going to be.
I really feel so bad for Brian in these situations. He is such a rule follower and a people pleaser that it really upsets him and embarrasses him when he does something like lose his library book - even though he didn't really lose it. He is worried about letting the teacher down and being the only one without a library book. It is hard for me because on one side I want to shelter him and make it all better, but on the other side he does have to learn to be more responsible and be held accountable for his actions or lack of actions.
Being a mom is hard and involves some tough choices, especially as he gets older. As a parent, I know I have to start to let go and always coming to his rescue, but it is hard to let him fail in order to help him learn an important lesson. I have to remember that he is human and bad and good days will always fill his life. What is important are not the few scattered bad days, but that I raise a caring and responsible adult that will have a positive impact on society.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Justin Sleeping
Justin has been falling asleep in this position for a few weeks now - I finally got some pictures! Boy was he tired, because I took at least ten pictures - with flash - and not one movement out of him. I sure do wish I could sleep like that. If someone took a picture of me with a flash while I was sleeping, I think my head would hit the ceiling!
I love when babies sleep like this with their knees tucked up under them. I think they look so cute and snugly. I wonder if it has something to do with his recent crawling that he started sleeping this way. He is getting so close to crawling up on all fours and is super fast at the military crawl. He also pivots on his belly very quickly! He likes to get up on all fours and rock. Today he started to reach forward with one hand but he falls to his belly right away. He is getting so close - I don't know if I am ready for him to be that mobile!
His brothers are also getting frustrated with him. They are used to playing on the floor in relative peace and now whatever they have is fair game for Justin. And just like any sibling - he wants what they have. There could be twenty baby toys on the floor and he crawls right through them to try to take something out of one of his brother's hands. I didn't expect this to start at 7 months!
I love when babies sleep like this with their knees tucked up under them. I think they look so cute and snugly. I wonder if it has something to do with his recent crawling that he started sleeping this way. He is getting so close to crawling up on all fours and is super fast at the military crawl. He also pivots on his belly very quickly! He likes to get up on all fours and rock. Today he started to reach forward with one hand but he falls to his belly right away. He is getting so close - I don't know if I am ready for him to be that mobile!
His brothers are also getting frustrated with him. They are used to playing on the floor in relative peace and now whatever they have is fair game for Justin. And just like any sibling - he wants what they have. There could be twenty baby toys on the floor and he crawls right through them to try to take something out of one of his brother's hands. I didn't expect this to start at 7 months!
So sweet.JPG)
top view
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all curled up
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all curled up.JPG)
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Two Weeks Until Christmas!
I have been busy getting ready for Christmas. The shopping is pretty much finished and I have started wrapping. I still have to do some baking. The outside of the house is decorated but we are still working on the inside. We got a tree today - but that is still outside too!
I honestly don't know how the holidays go by so quickly. It seems like one big blur from Halloween to New Years. I guess it is because I am so busy. I just feel like Christmas is here again and we had Thanksgiving dinner yesterday! I guess that is what happens when you get older!
In our town, the firemen decorate the fire trucks and they drive around different part of the town on different nights! The boys heard the sirens last night and immediately ran outside! They were both old enough to remember from last year and were yelling, "Santa!" Santa was on top of the last fire truck and the firemen were handing out candy canes!
Sean opened his right away and said , "Mmmm. Cherry is my favorite." I looked at him funny and asked him for a taste. Surprisingly he handed over the candy cane. I guess seeing Santa put him in the Christmas spirit - either that or he thought Santa could still see him! But just as I suspected, it was peppermint. I wonder if their is a tasting test like a vision or hearing screening?
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I honestly don't know how the holidays go by so quickly. It seems like one big blur from Halloween to New Years. I guess it is because I am so busy. I just feel like Christmas is here again and we had Thanksgiving dinner yesterday! I guess that is what happens when you get older!
In our town, the firemen decorate the fire trucks and they drive around different part of the town on different nights! The boys heard the sirens last night and immediately ran outside! They were both old enough to remember from last year and were yelling, "Santa!" Santa was on top of the last fire truck and the firemen were handing out candy canes!
Sean opened his right away and said , "Mmmm. Cherry is my favorite." I looked at him funny and asked him for a taste. Surprisingly he handed over the candy cane. I guess seeing Santa put him in the Christmas spirit - either that or he thought Santa could still see him! But just as I suspected, it was peppermint. I wonder if their is a tasting test like a vision or hearing screening?
Brian and Sean watching Santa on the fire truck
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Today Brian Sr. got a call from Sheldon Brown of the Philadelphia Eagles. He gave Sheldon golf lessons this summer and Brian didn't charge him anything. He asked for Sheldon Brown jerseys for the boys. Sheldon finally got some in and was calling Brian to meet him at a diner about twenty minutes from our house.
We were already out getting a tree, so the whole family went along. Sheldon drove up with his son in a 'maxed out' jeep! The tires were almost as big as Sean! He gave the boys high-fives, even Justin! Then he gave them both a jersey, which they put on immediately. He asked Brian and Sean if they wanted their jerseys signed and they both said, "No thanks!" What? Are the crazy? Sheldon laughed at this - I guess he doesn't get turned down for too many autographs! We only talked for a few minutes, Sheldon had to get to the bank and then back home- his wife is having baby next week!
Sheldon is such a nice guy. With his wife due soon and the holidays and football, he still found time to get jerseys to us. Brian told him that the boys were asking for them for Christmas. I find it very generous and thoughtful that he found time for us. Thanks again Sheldon!
After the boys got their jerseys we stopped at G-Boys. It is a lawn and garden center that decorates a Winter Wonderland for Christmas every year. The boys had a lot of fun looking at all the trees and lights and decorations. Justin slept through most of it. I am sure he will enjoy it more next year!
As you can see in the pictures, Sean has moved on from rain boots to snow boots. He wants to wear them every where and every day! The only places I won't let him wear them are to school and on the playground! At least his sneakers will be in good shape for Justin.
Brian and Sean sporting #24
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Santa in a train
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Ninja Turtle Christmas
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Brian wanted to buy this! - $300, um no.JPG)
Monday, December 10, 2007
8 Random Things
Another blog I read posted 8 Random Things about them and then asked, What about you? So, here are ours.
1. Justin hates baby food but will go nuts for a little crumb of a soggy waffle. He downed a whole teething biscuit yesterday!
2. Sean hardly ever wears underwear.
3. I played the violin form 4th to 9th grade. I picked violin because I didn't want to have to be in the marching band in Jr. high!
4. Brian got the bonus word correct on his Spelling test last week - holiday!
5. Brian Sr. is a par or under golfer.
6. I am finished all my Christmas shopping and working on wrapping.
7. We have the 24th, 25th and 26th grandchildren on Brian's side and the 2nd, 4th, and 6th on mine.
8. Brian, Sean and Justin all scored 9/9 on their Apgars!
Tag You're It!
1. Justin hates baby food but will go nuts for a little crumb of a soggy waffle. He downed a whole teething biscuit yesterday!
2. Sean hardly ever wears underwear.
3. I played the violin form 4th to 9th grade. I picked violin because I didn't want to have to be in the marching band in Jr. high!
4. Brian got the bonus word correct on his Spelling test last week - holiday!
5. Brian Sr. is a par or under golfer.
6. I am finished all my Christmas shopping and working on wrapping.
7. We have the 24th, 25th and 26th grandchildren on Brian's side and the 2nd, 4th, and 6th on mine.
8. Brian, Sean and Justin all scored 9/9 on their Apgars!
Tag You're It!
Model Search
Well, we are making progress. Sean was half dressed today. Now he has a thing against shirts. Maybe he is trying out to be the next Abercrombie & Fitch poster. He has a ways to go - but practice makes perfect!
He was so funny about posing for the pictures. He had his hands on his hips and was sticking his chest out. I guess he was 'ruffling' his feathers for the ladies! I love the sweat bands up on his biceps - and they were two different colors! He thought he was so cool!
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strike a pose...
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a little better
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He was so funny about posing for the pictures. He had his hands on his hips and was sticking his chest out. I guess he was 'ruffling' his feathers for the ladies! I love the sweat bands up on his biceps - and they were two different colors! He thought he was so cool!
pretending to ignore me
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strike a pose....JPG)
a little better.JPG)
Saturday, December 8, 2007
Gaining By Losing
Yesterday was a day of mixed emotions for me. I am so happy to have my boys and that they are all healthy. But it was the day that I found out about the baby I lost - Baby A. I tried to finish writing this yesterday, but had a hard time and decided it would be easier to finish today.
I remember the day so vividly. It was like I was a young child again and able to remember the color of the floor and the curtains. I can still smell the room and picture the nurses and doctors that I saw that day. I was 18 weeks and 3 days pregnant with twins after over two years of fertility treatments and many miscarriages. Brian Sr. was in Florida on a business trip, so my Mom, Brian, and Sean came with me to my ultra sound. I was so excited to see the babies again. My last ultra sound had been at 13 weeks and all was great. My Mom was still trying to talk me into finding out the sexes.
I went to check in and noticed that one of the ultra sound techs for the day also worked part time at my fertility clinic. I asked the receptionist if she could do my ultra sound. They said she was with a patient and I might have to wait a few minutes longer. This was fine with me. We sat in the waiting room chatting about Christmas and plans for the babies. Brian and Sean had to try out the bathroom and were flipping through magazines. Nickelodeon was on the TV and they would occasionally glance up at it.
It was finally my turn and the ultra sound tech immediately recognized me. I felt so happy and so lucky, I just knew that I would get extra pictures. I laid back on the table and pulled up my shirt and gave my belly a rub. The tech squirted warm gel on my belly and placed the wand on it. I was so excited and nervous that I was almost shaking. She scanned around quickly and then started to take measurements of the first baby. I remember asking, "Are they still on top of each other, like bunk beds?" She said, "I am just working on this baby right now." At the time I thought it was a little strange but didn't really think too much about it. I was too focused on looking at my baby.
Brian and Sean were quickly losing interest and found a puzzle in one of the drawers in the room. I remeber that it was missing a piece. They were taking the pieces out that were shaped like cars and boats and playing with them. They were fighting over a boat piece that they both wanted. My Mom was trying to watch them and the ultra sound at the same time.
Everything was going great and the baby was measuring a little big for gestational age. I smiled at this because Brian and Sean did too. When she took the femur (leg bone) measurement, the baby wouldn't hold still. She kept trying to move the wand around and get the right angle. While she was doing this, the baby moved one of its legs. My heart raced, did I just see what I think I saw? I didn't say anything at the time but from having two boys, I know boy parts when I see them! It was a perfect view right up between his legs. I didn't want to know the sex and was a little disappointed to have the surprise ruined. But, I smiled at the thought of another cute little boy and wondered if I should now find out the sex of the other baby.
The tech smiled at me and took the wand off my belly. She said she had to go and ask the doctor a question. My heart sank and it was all I could do to keep from crying, I didn't want Brian and Sean to see me upset. I laid there for over twenty minutes waiting for the doctor. Why had she only scanned one baby? I knew in my heart that there was something wrong with the other one. I kept telling my Mom, "I know something is wrong. I think I lost the other baby." We were both confused and I hoped for the best.
The doctor came in, picked up the ultrasound wand and scanned around for a few minutes. My Mom took the boys and waited on the other side of the curtain, I could still hear them talking about the puzzle. I was watching the screen and immediately started to cry. He didn't need to say a word. I saw how much smaller Baby A was and that it wasn't moving at all. He told me that Baby A had stopped growing a few weeks back and had no heartbeat.
How could this be? Everything was fine at 13 weeks, I had made it out of the first trimester. All the blood work and ultra sounds had been perfect. I had been so careful - no artificial sweeteners, no hot dogs or lunch meat. No soft cheese or caffeine or deli salads. I had taken no chances. I didn't know what to do or what to say. It was like time had frozen and I just stared at the doctor, my eyes so full of tears that the world was blurry.
Then he went back to scan the other baby and told me that there was an Echogenic foci or white spot on the other baby's heart. It is a soft marker for Down Syndrome, but can also be nothing. This is especially true if there are no other markers. The NT ultrasound I had at 12 weeks had shown no signs of anything being wrong and the blood work showed odds for Down Syndrome to be less than average for my age. Even though the odds were with me, I was still worried. I had just lost one baby and now would spend the rest of the pregnancy worrying about the other.
The doctor told me I could make an appointment with a genetic counselor but I didn't want to. Even if the baby did have Down Syndrome, I wanted him. I would love him just as I did Brian and Sean. I held myself together as best I could and gathered up the boys to go home. I was so upset that I forgot to grab the pictures. We got all the way to the parking garage and I had to go back. This was hard, to go back. I went to the desk and said that I had forgotten my pictures. Another tech walked me back to the room but the pictures were gone. I felt myself start to panic and get upset all over again.
She saw how upset I was and told me that the other tech was with another patient. If it was okay with me, she would do another ultra sound and take some more pictures. It was so nice of her to do this for me and I relaxed a little. I really needed to have those pictures. I told her that I didn't really want to know the sex of the baby but I thought I had seen that it was a boy in my first ultra sound. She asked if I really wanted to know and I said yes. She confirmed that it was a boy and I got a great picture proving it.
On the way out, I saw the tech that did my first ultra sound and she told me that I forgot my pictures. She had been nice enough to save them for me and went to get them. I was right about getting plenty of pictures! I gathered them up and tucked them safely into my purse. I got into the elevator and had to look at them again on the ride down to the lobby.
I was so glad that my Mom had come with me. I don't think I could have safely driven home. I just sat and blotted my eyes while Brian and Sean chatted happily in the back seat. I tried to think positive and be happy for the baby that was still growing inside me. I loved him and the boys more than ever. On the way home, every time the baby moved it was both wonderful and horrible at the same time. One was kicking and one was not.
But, I think the hardest part was having to come home and tell people the bad news. There had been so much of it to give out on our journey to conceive a third baby. It was harder to tell the people who loved me than it was for me to hear it myself. My loved ones got a double dose of sadness. They were upset about the baby and also for me. It has to be so hard to see someone you love hurting so much and be powerless to help.
And to top it all off, Brian was over a thousand miles away. I went back and forth a few times about whether or not to tell him over the phone. I decided to tell him and he was at a loss for words. His manager told him that he could fly home, but I told him that there was really nothing he could do. He would not be gone much longer and I didn't mind some alone time to grieve.
A few days later, we were all in the car headed out to run some errands. I hadn't yet told the boys that we lost one of the babies and since I wasn't up to talking about it, I wasn't aware that Brian had told them. Brian Jr. was in the back of the van and said, "Mom one of your babies was sick and the heart beat stopped." This hit me like a slap in the face and uncontrollable tears flowed down my cheeks at a frenzied rate. I was unable to speak or move, all I could do was cry. I remember that he kept talking to me about it but I was physically unable to answer him. The tears and emotions had stolen my voice. Every time I gained a little control back and tried to speak, I was again overcome with muting sadness.
I was very grateful that he brought this up in the car. I think if he had said this to my face that I would have had to leave the room. I would have had no choice. The boys had seen me cry before, but I didn't want them to see me so upset that it scared them. Because of this, I did most of my crying in the shower or after they went to bed. For me, it really helped to let it out. I felt so much better after a good cry.
After a few weeks, I still couldn't talk about Baby A or the ultra sound or look at twins without crying. I was starting to wonder if the tears would ever stop coming. Nothing had ever affected me this deeply or for this long. It was strange to me and I didn't feel at all like myself. I am usually in better control of my emotions and it was hard to have them in control of me.
Another hard part were my casual acquaintances. I didn't see these people very often and didn't know them well enough to call about what had happened. I would run into them weeks and even months later and they would ask me how the babies were doing. Then I had to explain that we had lost one of the babies. It was like reliving the day all over again, and again, and again.
I had another ultra sound on December 27, at 21 weeks and 2 days. This was to check to see that the baby was growing well. It was very hard to go back to the hospital. Even though I was feeling movement all the time, I was so afraid that something had gone wrong. I was relieved to find out that Justin was growing perfectly and very healthy. Baby A was even smaller than before and barely visable. They told me that this is what would likely happen. The baby would continue to be reabsorbed into my body. By the time I delivered, there might not be anything there anymore. To me, this was good and bad. The good was that I wouldn't have to worry about Baby A at the birth and the bad would be that there would be no way to do testing to try to find out what went wrong.
I was 29 weeks and 3 days on February 22nd. I called my OB because I wasn't feeling well and wasn't feeling as many movements as I had before. She told me to go right to the hospital and have everything checked out. I was really scared and didn't feel any movement on the way to the hospital. It took everything I had to keep my composure. The thing I wanted to do most was scream, but I was afriad that if I started, I wouldn't be able to stop.
The nurse got me hooked up to a monitor right away and the heartbeat was so wonderful to hear. I don't think I have ever been as comforted by a sound as I was that day. Then she did a non-stress test (NST). I had to sit in a recliner and a machine tracked the baby's hearbeat and my contractions, if any. I had a button to push when I felt movement. They wanted to see the baby's heartrate increase with movement and then return to normal.
The nurse said that 29 weeks was early for an NST and that I might not see the results that I would with a baby farther along. As soon as I got hooked up to the monitor, it was like he had a soccer match in my belly. I was constantly pushing the button for movement. Justin was out to prove her wrong and already an over achiever. She said that he performed way above average for a 29-30 weeker!
I felt a little silly for coming in since there was no end in sight to his movements now. The nurse was so great and told me to come back anytime I was worried. She said stress wasn't good for me or the baby and I could call with questions any time of the day or night. After the NST, I got another ultra sound and it again confirmed that the baby was a boy. The fluid levels were great and he had definietly grown bigger. And I got another picture! I slept better that night than I had in long time.
Even after a few months I was still tearing up all the time. It was especially hard to hold back the tears when the boys would ask questions like, "Why did the other baby's heart stop beating?" or say things like, "Mom you used to have two babies." I know that they were just trying to understand what had happened and had no way of knowing that they were upsetting me.
Things got a little better in the weeks leading up to Justin's birth, I was so busy cleaning and planning that I didn't have time for much else. I thought of Baby A daily and even though the anger and hurt were slowly subsiding, I still wasn't able to talk about it without crying. On most days things were really great. But on others I would find myself taken back to that day and instantly tearing up.
It was very strange for me because I had come to terms with what had happened. But the tears and sadness seemed to appear out of nowhere. I really didn't feel sad all the time anymore and had taken time to grieve, but little things would still make my eyes water. I had no control over it. I was often taken by surprise as the emotions overwhelmed me. I would be happily playing with Brian and Sean or watching my belly jiggle as the baby kicked and punched, then out of nowhere the tears rolled down my cheeks.
For the longest time, it was the small stuff that was so hard to deal with. At one time I was so focused on losing the baby that I didn't realize how many different ways it would affect me later. It wasn't just the miscarriage that I had to endure. I would see twins and be sad. The boys would ask about the other baby again. A friend would ask how I was doing and I would cry. I had to take back some baby clothes that I had bought two of. I no longer needed a double stroller or a twins nursing pillow. We only needed to decide on one name. I would probably deliver in May and not April anymore. I didn't have to rearrange the nursery to accommodate two cribs. I didn't need the extra swing or bouncy seat or exersaucer that I had borrowed.
The night before my c-section was really hard. I was awake almost all night rubbing my belly and hoping that all would be okay until the morning. I had made it this far, and was so afraid to fall asleep and not notice that something had happened to the baby. I still don't know why I was worried so much more on this night than any others. I can only think that I was so close to everything working out that it really scared me to be hopeful. I was being cautious in case something went wrong.
I was also trying to remember being pregnant and have it forever imprinted in my brain. I didn't want to ever forget anything about being pregnant, because I knew that with all I had been through this pregnancy and trying to get pregnant, that I couldn't, emotionally or physically, do this anymore. This was very hard to deal with. I wanted four or five kids and really thought that I would be working on number four by now. I loved being pregnant and had relatively easy pregnancies. I felt great, no morning sickness, no bed rest, or restrictions.
I rubbed my belly and smiled at the kicks and punches. I closed my eyes and ran my fingers all over my belly, running through every detail in my mind. These would be some of the last flutters in my belly. I wondered if he would look more like Brian or Sean or neither. I talked to him and told him how much he was loved. I told him I couldn't wait to meet him and hold him in my arms. I told him that I wanted to give him kisses and about all the kisses he would get from his big brothers. I wanted to have him grip my finger in his tiny hand. I told him I wanted to hear his first cry and gaze into his blue eyes.
It was such a relief to finally get to the hospital and be hooked up to the monitors. The nurse found his heartbeat right away and it was loud and strong. I let out a slow and deliberate sigh of relief. After she got the monitors hooked up, she turned down the volume. I quickly asked her to turn it back up. I needed to hear the heartbeat to feel relaxed. The constant repetitive thumping was both therapeutic and comforting. I remember closing my eyes and concentrating only on his heartbeat. I was getting more and more excited to meet him. I was a little nervous about the c-section but knew what to expect since it would be my third one. It would all be worth it for a healthy baby!
Justin's birth was uneventful and he came out kicking and screaming. It was the best sound I ever heard - for the third time. He was very healthy and Brian Sr. got to hold him right away. The c-section took a little longer than expected because of scar tissue from my two previous c-sections. But soon I was in recovery and got to hold Justin. I didn't want to ever let him go. He was so cute and so perfect - just as his brothers had been. I studied his face and gently stroked his cheeks with my finger. I held his hand and unwrapped him to look at his cute little feet. I kissed each of them and wrapped him back up so he wouldn't get cold. He, like his brothers, was a great nurser and latched on right away.
It was bittersweet to have him in my arms and nursing. I wondered what the other baby would have looked like and if they would have had different cries. Would they have had similar fingers and toes? Whose nose would the other baby have had? Would the baby have laughed like Brian and Sean?
I don't usually cry when I talk about losing the baby anymore, but the last few days have been a little tough. When the going gets tough, I clean. I need to keep busy when I am upset. So, last week I started with the kitchen and haven't stopped since. When I say cleaning, I mean top to bottom, no stone unturned. I cleaned out my pantry and wiped down all of the shelves in my kitchen cabinets. I moved furniture to clean the dust off the baseboards behind it. I have thrown away six large trash bags full of stuff and have another four of stuff to give away.
It feels so good to be getting rid of things that I don't need. I am happy when I am cleaning and organizing. It gives me time to be alone and to think about things. Cleaning is like therapy to me and when I am finished and my house is in order, I am at peace. I have worked through my difficulties or problems and come out of it a better person - with a really clean house!
I will always wonder what might have been. But life has it's ups and downs for everyone, I am thankful that mine has had more ups than downs. I find happiness in things that I never did before. I love my children more than I did before. I take more time to appreciate the little things. I find myself doing things for others that I might not have before. I try things that I might not have before. I take more chances than I did before. I am more forgiving and understanding than I was before. In so many ways, I have gained by losing.
I remember the day so vividly. It was like I was a young child again and able to remember the color of the floor and the curtains. I can still smell the room and picture the nurses and doctors that I saw that day. I was 18 weeks and 3 days pregnant with twins after over two years of fertility treatments and many miscarriages. Brian Sr. was in Florida on a business trip, so my Mom, Brian, and Sean came with me to my ultra sound. I was so excited to see the babies again. My last ultra sound had been at 13 weeks and all was great. My Mom was still trying to talk me into finding out the sexes.
I went to check in and noticed that one of the ultra sound techs for the day also worked part time at my fertility clinic. I asked the receptionist if she could do my ultra sound. They said she was with a patient and I might have to wait a few minutes longer. This was fine with me. We sat in the waiting room chatting about Christmas and plans for the babies. Brian and Sean had to try out the bathroom and were flipping through magazines. Nickelodeon was on the TV and they would occasionally glance up at it.
It was finally my turn and the ultra sound tech immediately recognized me. I felt so happy and so lucky, I just knew that I would get extra pictures. I laid back on the table and pulled up my shirt and gave my belly a rub. The tech squirted warm gel on my belly and placed the wand on it. I was so excited and nervous that I was almost shaking. She scanned around quickly and then started to take measurements of the first baby. I remember asking, "Are they still on top of each other, like bunk beds?" She said, "I am just working on this baby right now." At the time I thought it was a little strange but didn't really think too much about it. I was too focused on looking at my baby.
Brian and Sean were quickly losing interest and found a puzzle in one of the drawers in the room. I remeber that it was missing a piece. They were taking the pieces out that were shaped like cars and boats and playing with them. They were fighting over a boat piece that they both wanted. My Mom was trying to watch them and the ultra sound at the same time.
Everything was going great and the baby was measuring a little big for gestational age. I smiled at this because Brian and Sean did too. When she took the femur (leg bone) measurement, the baby wouldn't hold still. She kept trying to move the wand around and get the right angle. While she was doing this, the baby moved one of its legs. My heart raced, did I just see what I think I saw? I didn't say anything at the time but from having two boys, I know boy parts when I see them! It was a perfect view right up between his legs. I didn't want to know the sex and was a little disappointed to have the surprise ruined. But, I smiled at the thought of another cute little boy and wondered if I should now find out the sex of the other baby.
The tech smiled at me and took the wand off my belly. She said she had to go and ask the doctor a question. My heart sank and it was all I could do to keep from crying, I didn't want Brian and Sean to see me upset. I laid there for over twenty minutes waiting for the doctor. Why had she only scanned one baby? I knew in my heart that there was something wrong with the other one. I kept telling my Mom, "I know something is wrong. I think I lost the other baby." We were both confused and I hoped for the best.
The doctor came in, picked up the ultrasound wand and scanned around for a few minutes. My Mom took the boys and waited on the other side of the curtain, I could still hear them talking about the puzzle. I was watching the screen and immediately started to cry. He didn't need to say a word. I saw how much smaller Baby A was and that it wasn't moving at all. He told me that Baby A had stopped growing a few weeks back and had no heartbeat.
How could this be? Everything was fine at 13 weeks, I had made it out of the first trimester. All the blood work and ultra sounds had been perfect. I had been so careful - no artificial sweeteners, no hot dogs or lunch meat. No soft cheese or caffeine or deli salads. I had taken no chances. I didn't know what to do or what to say. It was like time had frozen and I just stared at the doctor, my eyes so full of tears that the world was blurry.
Then he went back to scan the other baby and told me that there was an Echogenic foci or white spot on the other baby's heart. It is a soft marker for Down Syndrome, but can also be nothing. This is especially true if there are no other markers. The NT ultrasound I had at 12 weeks had shown no signs of anything being wrong and the blood work showed odds for Down Syndrome to be less than average for my age. Even though the odds were with me, I was still worried. I had just lost one baby and now would spend the rest of the pregnancy worrying about the other.
The doctor told me I could make an appointment with a genetic counselor but I didn't want to. Even if the baby did have Down Syndrome, I wanted him. I would love him just as I did Brian and Sean. I held myself together as best I could and gathered up the boys to go home. I was so upset that I forgot to grab the pictures. We got all the way to the parking garage and I had to go back. This was hard, to go back. I went to the desk and said that I had forgotten my pictures. Another tech walked me back to the room but the pictures were gone. I felt myself start to panic and get upset all over again.
She saw how upset I was and told me that the other tech was with another patient. If it was okay with me, she would do another ultra sound and take some more pictures. It was so nice of her to do this for me and I relaxed a little. I really needed to have those pictures. I told her that I didn't really want to know the sex of the baby but I thought I had seen that it was a boy in my first ultra sound. She asked if I really wanted to know and I said yes. She confirmed that it was a boy and I got a great picture proving it.
On the way out, I saw the tech that did my first ultra sound and she told me that I forgot my pictures. She had been nice enough to save them for me and went to get them. I was right about getting plenty of pictures! I gathered them up and tucked them safely into my purse. I got into the elevator and had to look at them again on the ride down to the lobby.
I was so glad that my Mom had come with me. I don't think I could have safely driven home. I just sat and blotted my eyes while Brian and Sean chatted happily in the back seat. I tried to think positive and be happy for the baby that was still growing inside me. I loved him and the boys more than ever. On the way home, every time the baby moved it was both wonderful and horrible at the same time. One was kicking and one was not.
But, I think the hardest part was having to come home and tell people the bad news. There had been so much of it to give out on our journey to conceive a third baby. It was harder to tell the people who loved me than it was for me to hear it myself. My loved ones got a double dose of sadness. They were upset about the baby and also for me. It has to be so hard to see someone you love hurting so much and be powerless to help.
And to top it all off, Brian was over a thousand miles away. I went back and forth a few times about whether or not to tell him over the phone. I decided to tell him and he was at a loss for words. His manager told him that he could fly home, but I told him that there was really nothing he could do. He would not be gone much longer and I didn't mind some alone time to grieve.
A few days later, we were all in the car headed out to run some errands. I hadn't yet told the boys that we lost one of the babies and since I wasn't up to talking about it, I wasn't aware that Brian had told them. Brian Jr. was in the back of the van and said, "Mom one of your babies was sick and the heart beat stopped." This hit me like a slap in the face and uncontrollable tears flowed down my cheeks at a frenzied rate. I was unable to speak or move, all I could do was cry. I remember that he kept talking to me about it but I was physically unable to answer him. The tears and emotions had stolen my voice. Every time I gained a little control back and tried to speak, I was again overcome with muting sadness.
I was very grateful that he brought this up in the car. I think if he had said this to my face that I would have had to leave the room. I would have had no choice. The boys had seen me cry before, but I didn't want them to see me so upset that it scared them. Because of this, I did most of my crying in the shower or after they went to bed. For me, it really helped to let it out. I felt so much better after a good cry.
After a few weeks, I still couldn't talk about Baby A or the ultra sound or look at twins without crying. I was starting to wonder if the tears would ever stop coming. Nothing had ever affected me this deeply or for this long. It was strange to me and I didn't feel at all like myself. I am usually in better control of my emotions and it was hard to have them in control of me.
Another hard part were my casual acquaintances. I didn't see these people very often and didn't know them well enough to call about what had happened. I would run into them weeks and even months later and they would ask me how the babies were doing. Then I had to explain that we had lost one of the babies. It was like reliving the day all over again, and again, and again.
I had another ultra sound on December 27, at 21 weeks and 2 days. This was to check to see that the baby was growing well. It was very hard to go back to the hospital. Even though I was feeling movement all the time, I was so afraid that something had gone wrong. I was relieved to find out that Justin was growing perfectly and very healthy. Baby A was even smaller than before and barely visable. They told me that this is what would likely happen. The baby would continue to be reabsorbed into my body. By the time I delivered, there might not be anything there anymore. To me, this was good and bad. The good was that I wouldn't have to worry about Baby A at the birth and the bad would be that there would be no way to do testing to try to find out what went wrong.
I was 29 weeks and 3 days on February 22nd. I called my OB because I wasn't feeling well and wasn't feeling as many movements as I had before. She told me to go right to the hospital and have everything checked out. I was really scared and didn't feel any movement on the way to the hospital. It took everything I had to keep my composure. The thing I wanted to do most was scream, but I was afriad that if I started, I wouldn't be able to stop.
The nurse got me hooked up to a monitor right away and the heartbeat was so wonderful to hear. I don't think I have ever been as comforted by a sound as I was that day. Then she did a non-stress test (NST). I had to sit in a recliner and a machine tracked the baby's hearbeat and my contractions, if any. I had a button to push when I felt movement. They wanted to see the baby's heartrate increase with movement and then return to normal.
The nurse said that 29 weeks was early for an NST and that I might not see the results that I would with a baby farther along. As soon as I got hooked up to the monitor, it was like he had a soccer match in my belly. I was constantly pushing the button for movement. Justin was out to prove her wrong and already an over achiever. She said that he performed way above average for a 29-30 weeker!
I felt a little silly for coming in since there was no end in sight to his movements now. The nurse was so great and told me to come back anytime I was worried. She said stress wasn't good for me or the baby and I could call with questions any time of the day or night. After the NST, I got another ultra sound and it again confirmed that the baby was a boy. The fluid levels were great and he had definietly grown bigger. And I got another picture! I slept better that night than I had in long time.
Even after a few months I was still tearing up all the time. It was especially hard to hold back the tears when the boys would ask questions like, "Why did the other baby's heart stop beating?" or say things like, "Mom you used to have two babies." I know that they were just trying to understand what had happened and had no way of knowing that they were upsetting me.
Things got a little better in the weeks leading up to Justin's birth, I was so busy cleaning and planning that I didn't have time for much else. I thought of Baby A daily and even though the anger and hurt were slowly subsiding, I still wasn't able to talk about it without crying. On most days things were really great. But on others I would find myself taken back to that day and instantly tearing up.
It was very strange for me because I had come to terms with what had happened. But the tears and sadness seemed to appear out of nowhere. I really didn't feel sad all the time anymore and had taken time to grieve, but little things would still make my eyes water. I had no control over it. I was often taken by surprise as the emotions overwhelmed me. I would be happily playing with Brian and Sean or watching my belly jiggle as the baby kicked and punched, then out of nowhere the tears rolled down my cheeks.
For the longest time, it was the small stuff that was so hard to deal with. At one time I was so focused on losing the baby that I didn't realize how many different ways it would affect me later. It wasn't just the miscarriage that I had to endure. I would see twins and be sad. The boys would ask about the other baby again. A friend would ask how I was doing and I would cry. I had to take back some baby clothes that I had bought two of. I no longer needed a double stroller or a twins nursing pillow. We only needed to decide on one name. I would probably deliver in May and not April anymore. I didn't have to rearrange the nursery to accommodate two cribs. I didn't need the extra swing or bouncy seat or exersaucer that I had borrowed.
The night before my c-section was really hard. I was awake almost all night rubbing my belly and hoping that all would be okay until the morning. I had made it this far, and was so afraid to fall asleep and not notice that something had happened to the baby. I still don't know why I was worried so much more on this night than any others. I can only think that I was so close to everything working out that it really scared me to be hopeful. I was being cautious in case something went wrong.
I was also trying to remember being pregnant and have it forever imprinted in my brain. I didn't want to ever forget anything about being pregnant, because I knew that with all I had been through this pregnancy and trying to get pregnant, that I couldn't, emotionally or physically, do this anymore. This was very hard to deal with. I wanted four or five kids and really thought that I would be working on number four by now. I loved being pregnant and had relatively easy pregnancies. I felt great, no morning sickness, no bed rest, or restrictions.
I rubbed my belly and smiled at the kicks and punches. I closed my eyes and ran my fingers all over my belly, running through every detail in my mind. These would be some of the last flutters in my belly. I wondered if he would look more like Brian or Sean or neither. I talked to him and told him how much he was loved. I told him I couldn't wait to meet him and hold him in my arms. I told him that I wanted to give him kisses and about all the kisses he would get from his big brothers. I wanted to have him grip my finger in his tiny hand. I told him I wanted to hear his first cry and gaze into his blue eyes.
It was such a relief to finally get to the hospital and be hooked up to the monitors. The nurse found his heartbeat right away and it was loud and strong. I let out a slow and deliberate sigh of relief. After she got the monitors hooked up, she turned down the volume. I quickly asked her to turn it back up. I needed to hear the heartbeat to feel relaxed. The constant repetitive thumping was both therapeutic and comforting. I remember closing my eyes and concentrating only on his heartbeat. I was getting more and more excited to meet him. I was a little nervous about the c-section but knew what to expect since it would be my third one. It would all be worth it for a healthy baby!
Justin's birth was uneventful and he came out kicking and screaming. It was the best sound I ever heard - for the third time. He was very healthy and Brian Sr. got to hold him right away. The c-section took a little longer than expected because of scar tissue from my two previous c-sections. But soon I was in recovery and got to hold Justin. I didn't want to ever let him go. He was so cute and so perfect - just as his brothers had been. I studied his face and gently stroked his cheeks with my finger. I held his hand and unwrapped him to look at his cute little feet. I kissed each of them and wrapped him back up so he wouldn't get cold. He, like his brothers, was a great nurser and latched on right away.
It was bittersweet to have him in my arms and nursing. I wondered what the other baby would have looked like and if they would have had different cries. Would they have had similar fingers and toes? Whose nose would the other baby have had? Would the baby have laughed like Brian and Sean?
I don't usually cry when I talk about losing the baby anymore, but the last few days have been a little tough. When the going gets tough, I clean. I need to keep busy when I am upset. So, last week I started with the kitchen and haven't stopped since. When I say cleaning, I mean top to bottom, no stone unturned. I cleaned out my pantry and wiped down all of the shelves in my kitchen cabinets. I moved furniture to clean the dust off the baseboards behind it. I have thrown away six large trash bags full of stuff and have another four of stuff to give away.
It feels so good to be getting rid of things that I don't need. I am happy when I am cleaning and organizing. It gives me time to be alone and to think about things. Cleaning is like therapy to me and when I am finished and my house is in order, I am at peace. I have worked through my difficulties or problems and come out of it a better person - with a really clean house!
I will always wonder what might have been. But life has it's ups and downs for everyone, I am thankful that mine has had more ups than downs. I find happiness in things that I never did before. I love my children more than I did before. I take more time to appreciate the little things. I find myself doing things for others that I might not have before. I try things that I might not have before. I take more chances than I did before. I am more forgiving and understanding than I was before. In so many ways, I have gained by losing.
Friday, December 7, 2007
Heat is Warm
This is how I have found Sean the past few mornings. He gets out of bed and is cold. So, he does the only logical thing - he takes off all of his clothes, and sits in front of the vent. Sometimes the heat isn't blowing out, so he sits and waits for it. He tells me, "Heat is warm." Oh yeah, ice cream is cold! How about them apples?
Why in the world he doesn't just sit there with his pj's on I will never know. I have long stopped trying to figure him out. I think the funniest thing is that he will sit and wait for the heat to come on. I cannot imagine how cold his is while he waits. But he never complains, just sits patiently with Blankie for the heat to blow.
This morning he recruited his brother to sit with him. But Brian at the old age of 6 - and a half - wouldn't let me take his picture with no clothes on. I can't blame him, I wouldn't let anyone take pictures of me naked either. But I suppose, beyond embarrassment, that our reasons might differ a bit.
I guess Sean doesn't seem to notice because to him I am not taking naked pictures - he does have socks on! And his bottom has to be cold even when the warm air comes.
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So happy to feel the warm air
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Why in the world he doesn't just sit there with his pj's on I will never know. I have long stopped trying to figure him out. I think the funniest thing is that he will sit and wait for the heat to come on. I cannot imagine how cold his is while he waits. But he never complains, just sits patiently with Blankie for the heat to blow.
This morning he recruited his brother to sit with him. But Brian at the old age of 6 - and a half - wouldn't let me take his picture with no clothes on. I can't blame him, I wouldn't let anyone take pictures of me naked either. But I suppose, beyond embarrassment, that our reasons might differ a bit.
I guess Sean doesn't seem to notice because to him I am not taking naked pictures - he does have socks on! And his bottom has to be cold even when the warm air comes.
Waiting for the heat -
you can almost see the shivering!
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So happy to feel the warm air.JPG)
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