I am writing a letter to my body. I know is sounds strange but it will be submitted as part of a compilation of women's letters. I thought it was interesting and wanted to be included. If you would like to write and include your own letter you can visit
here. It has to be submitted within the next few days.
Dear Body,
Our relationship has been full of ups and downs for most of my life. But I am okay with this see-saw rapport because I know that I am not alone in feeling this way. There are so many times when you perform well and at those moments, I am proud to call you mine. Then there are other times when you let me down and I wish that I could trade you in for a different model. I don’t necessarily need to upgrade, I would just like to change out a few parts. Some days it seems that we will never get along and other days you are a great friend to me. I am much happier when you do as I ask. It would be nice if you could do that more often.
I have to say that I was pretty happy with you up until age twelve. You were thin, lean, and free from injury. I had no real complaints. The only problem that you had given me was a case of scoliosis. And it has never caused me to impose any limitations on myself. I know, but the back brace was for our own good. And you don't have to tell me how hot it was to be covered in plastic from armpit to waist in the middle of July! Nevertheless, it helped us to avoid surgery and that is a good thing. I am glad you cooperated and my scoliosis did not continue to worsen.
Not too long after, things began to go downhill quickly. I guess you somehow found it funny for me to get my period for the first time at barely the age of twelve. Being one of the first of my friends to get it was not great, however it wasn’t the worst thing either. But did you have to let it happen on my two week vacation at the beach? I don't think I have ever totally forgiven you - maybe that is why you continue to let me down again and again!
Following my first cycle, things only got worse. You decided to torture me even more with long, heavy, and infrequent periods. I was so mad; my period wasn’t supposed to be debilitating. You caused me to miss days of school when the cramps were so bad that I couldn't stand up! But I fixed you with a little thing called the Pill. No, you couldn't win against this attack. It was too strong for you. I now had short, regular periods with little cramping - things were going great.
Little did I know then, but you still had some cards up your sleeve, or wherever you might keep them. Maybe you still needed to win and have your way. I have no idea what I did to deserve you trying to ruin my life. I, for the most part, do not treat you badly. You are clean and clothed. I protect you from harsh weather and always wear sunscreen. I nourish you and hydrate you. Yet, I only seem to be granted heartache in return.
Your worst attack to date came in giving me faulty ovaries and polycystic ovarian syndrome - otherwise known as PCOS. I wish I had known before that my infrequent and heavy periods were a sign that I might have fertility problems in the future. Oooh, even I have to admit that this one almost did me in. You were sly and I was not expecting this at all.
I even timed my cycles perfectly so that I would be ovulating on my honeymoon. I was using and believing in the phrase, ‘Jamaica-me-a-baby!’ I had no idea that you thought it would be tons of fun if I never ovulated. How was I to know that I could get my period without ovulating? Sneaky, very sneaky.
But thanks to a lot of help from some great doctors and a little drug called Clomid, I arose victorious again. I guess you were not up for the full assault sneak attack, because it only took one cycle with the reproductive endocrinologist to get pregnant. I have to stop being angry for a second to say thank you for an uneventful pregnancy. You couldn't have performed better and helped me to grow a beautiful, healthy baby boy.
But I also have to add that the whole delivery thing could have gone a tad better. How could you make me go through two days of labor without an epidural, only to progress to almost three centimeters? I didn't want a c-section. Couldn’t you hear me say that to the doctors? I just wanted a simple delivery without incident. The scar that remains on my stomach is a reminder of how you failed me, yet again.
The next time that I wanted to get pregnant it was like you knew my strategy in advance and had prepared for my old tricks. Three Clomid cycles created nothing more than some pregnancy tests with one lonely line and an empty uterus. But I was not giving up. The doctors and I teamed up and we hit those ovaries with injectable drugs. You never saw this one coming and with a little help from an iui, I was pregnant for the second time.
There was a little bit of a scare when you threw a sub-chorionic hematoma into the mix. I was definitely not prepared for that. But the hematoma soon shrunk away without making a huge scene. I will admit that you otherwise performed superbly and again I had a beautiful, healthy baby boy. But this time I wasn't going to give you the satisfaction of putting me through labor. I planned the c-section and was back to my old self in no time.
The third attempt to have another child is the one that almost destroyed me. I teamed up with the wonderful doctors once again and we mapped out a plan of action. At first I thought that I had caught you off guard because I conceived on my first Clomid cycle. Sadly, you had other plans. Days after, my glowing smiles were replaced with the tears of a miscarriage. I had never before felt such a broad range of emotions in such a short period of time. To put it mildly, I was not pleased at all! I had always bragged about you and the fact that you had given me some fertility issues, but that once I got pregnant all was smooth sailing. I guess I forgot to knock on wood.
After another Clomid cycle ended with a negative pregnancy test, I went back to injectable drugs with an iui. I was so happy when the test was positive! It had worked again. My blood tests looked good; not great but there was no real reason to worry. My first ultra sound showed a nice sac located in the right place. I was to return ten days later to see the baby. I don't know why, but while driving to the next ultra sound, I just knew that something wasn't right.
My fears soon came became a reality. I didn't think things could get any worse than my first miscarriage, but they did. There was no heartbeat and no trace of a baby, just an empty sac. I had to have a D&C. You caused the faulty egg or the poor implantation or the insufficient hormones or whatever went wrong. I know you did it because it had to be one of us and it wasn't me. I wanted that baby!
How could you do this to me? I had done nothing in the past to deserve this. Sure, we have had our disagreements, but this was crossing the line. The problem is that you drug me over the line with you. I can never go back to who I was before either, I was forever changed. And you must take all responsibility for that.
I won't bore you with the details, especially since you were there. But the six injectable cycles to follow added up to one negative test and five miscarriages. They were all early and happened between five and six weeks. I never made it far enough along to get to another ultra sound. How in the world could you let that happen? Didn't you want me to have more kids? Didn't you think I was a good mom? Why were you flat out refusing to give me what my heart yearned for? Why were you being so stubborn and unmanageable?
I decided it was time to shake things up a little and hoped that IVF would catch you with your guard down. I did IVF twice with negative results. This was very trying for me; all the miscarriage testing had come back fine. I had thought that maybe there was a simple fertilization problem. But, I pulled myself up and decided that I had one more battle left in me. My weapon this time was to go into the cycle like I didn't care, it was all or nothing and my chips were all in.
Maybe this attitude is what threw you off your game or maybe my persistence had finally worn you down. Whatever happened, I succeeded! My blood work was good and my first ultra sound showed triplets! By the next one, one was gone and I was left with twins, but I was okay with that. Ever since I was a little girl, I had dreamed about having twins. My dream was coming true! I was so excited that I couldn’t sit still!
When I was 18 weeks pregnant, you hit me with what you thought to be a knock-out punch. I went in for my ultra sound and only one heartbeat was found. I have to tell you the truth; I never saw that one coming. Things were supposedly going great and my last ultra sound at 12 weeks was perfect. I have never been so devastated or so mad at you. My world began to shatter right in front of me. I wanted both the babies! It was a very difficult time for me because I was so happy for the one healthy baby and so sad for the one I lost.
Even after the devastating miscarriage, I still held my head up. And as mad as I am, I have to again thank you for providing my third son with a safe place to grow. He came into this world healthy and beautiful, just like his older brothers. The loss of his twin made his birth that much more special.
Even before the birth of my third son, my heart yearned for another child. But, I knew that I didn't have enough emotional or physical strength to challenge you anymore. No, this time I was going to outsmart you. This time you would not and could not fail me. This time my heart brought me to adoption. It was an easy choice for me and I cannot wait until I meet my daughter. I am hoping, if timelines continue to stay the same, that she will be home in the summer of 2009. And there is nothing you can do about it.
It makes me so happy that you have no control over this conception or baby. I won’t have to worry about if I will get pregnant. I won’t have to spend nine months obsessing over everything. I will not have to lose my mind counting down days and hours and minutes until my next doctor’s appointment. These appointments were so hard for me; they would either alleviate or verify all of my fears. I won’t have to check for blood when I go to the bathroom or be consumed with counting kicks. This child will definitely be hard to wait for, but it will be a wait free from apprehension, anxiety, and fear. This will be a welcomed and new way to wait for a child.
Sometimes I have really wanted to hit you or bite you or pull your hair out, but then quickly remembered that it would only hurt me too. Don't you see that we are stuck together and things would be so much easier if we could just get along? Why do you feel the need to make me gain weight so easily, to mess with my thyroid levels, to annoy me with psoriasis? There must be a reason, can you tell me please? I don't deserve what you have thrown at me, yet it all has made me who I am. How can I hate you so much for what you have done to me and at the same time love you so much for what you have given me?
Fondly, or not so fondly,
Kim
attack!
attack!
