Today is miscarriage and infant loss day. It is a day for remembrance - not that I could or would want to ever forget my losses. When I was trying to get pregnant with Brian and Sean I remember having a conversation with my mom about it. I said I was glad to have trouble getting pregnant instead of staying pregnant. Well, it turned out that while trying to conceive Justin that I had both troubles. We had six early miscarriages in a little over two years and then lost Justin's twin at 18 weeks. It was such a shock to me - we went in for the regular anatomy scan and there was only one heartbeat. I knew something was wrong when the ultra sound tech measured one baby and then went to get the doctor. It was bitter sweet and it still is - I have a healthy baby but also lost a baby.
Sometimes I feel like it is all a dream and none of the losses ever happened. And some days it hits me like a ton of bricks. Especially when I am out and I see twins - older kids not as much but babies really get to me sometimes. When they are playing or cuddled up together. Then I think if we had Baby A with us we probably wouldn't be adopting. We wouldn't have room and would have less money to do it paying for two babies. I guess it is true that when one door closes another opens. But, then again I am one to find the positive side of everything.
When I am, finished nursing Justin I want to get a tattoo. I want a crescent moon with a sleeping face. Then I want stars around the moon - three big ones for the boys colored with their birth dates and then seven smaller ones with their would-be birth date colors for the losses. Then I can just add a star for our little girl when she arrives home.
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