Infertility United - Who is with me?

I have to say that my feelings have really been hurt lately. I am not angry, just a bit wounded. I do understand that infertility can take a real toll on people. It changes some and makes them do and say things that they might not have otherwise. And this is the same for any person going through any kind of difficult time. Everyone deals with life's ups and downs the only way that they can.

What I don't understand is the the name calling and the discrimination among infertiles. To me it is a social injustice. To say that you are more infertile and more hurt than another just because you have been undergoing treatments longer or have not conceived yet is just ridiculous to me. Some may have been trying longer or shorter than others but it means you have felt the emotions for longer than some, not that you definitely feel more or less pain. In any case, and no matter whether I am right or wrong, it is still no reason to make others feel bullied and ashamed of their own feelings.

Yes, it is different, there is no question of that, but it is not an open invitation to ostracize those that have been blessed with pregnancy and/or children. If you are not in a place to offer congrats and support then that is perfectly acceptable and understood. But please stop judging. Let others be happy or sad or mad or frustrated with whatever life gives them.

Whether it has been one cycle or fifty cycles, there are still serious and raw emotions involved. And to lesson someones feelings in any way is not acceptable - especially when you know first hand how it feels. No one person can say for sure how another feels or what they are going through. When people experience things together, side by side, there are those that 'graduate' before others. It is a fact of life. We all approach things differently and all have our own way of working through difficult times.

There is such a wonderful community of support and understanding in the world of infertility and loss. I relied on it in the past and still do for many reasons. Let's not let this negative behavior by a few affect us as a whole. Let's not let emotional stress lead to hurting other's feelings. I would hate to see this sisterhood crumble. Everyone person at one time or another is judged enough by the world; let's not do it among ourselves. It is time to do more hand holding and less finger pointing. It takes so much less energy to be kind and compassionate - and it feels better too!

Again, I do understand that my perspective is different since I have children. But maybe that is why I can see the whole picture. I am not as emotional as I was while I was trying to get pregnant. Infertility is infertility in my book. No matter how you look at it. Whether it be male factor or PCOS or egg quality or fertilization problems. One is not better or worse. It is all so painful. It is all emotionally and physically draining. To make light of some one's struggles is wrong on so many different levels.

Those that have conceived on their first cycle are different than those still trying five years later. Those that have experienced loss and those that haven't are different. And I am not trying to say that this is not true. I don't want to be kicked out of where I belong and feel comfortable, where everyone knows my story and pain. But, I guess to put it simply the point that I want to get across is to just be nice. To those with kids or who are pregnant -try to remember and understand, and try your best to only offer support and not give answers. To those still trying -try to remember that we are rooting for you and that we do remember the pain and frustration on a daily basis.

Infertility still hurts, even after three children and an adoption in the process. And sometimes that is a good thing; I don't want to forget. And as weird as that sounds, the underlying pain never lets me forget what extraordinary miracles that my kids are and how I love them more with each passing day.

Infertility is always there, kind of like a blister on my foot that will never go away. A constant reminder of my struggles and tears. It is still sore and painful. Only instead of being an open wound, mine now has a bandage on it. But there are times when the blister gets bumped and rubbed and even the bandage cannot protect me from the pain. My blister will remain incurable, and tender forever.

Any woman that has dealt with infertility has walked a similar path to mine, but all the footprints left along that path are unique. So, let's all be there for each other, and not try to comment on the comfort of another's shoes when they clearly don't fit our feet.