Brian and I had our second of three PIP (parents in process) meetings today at our adoption agency. The class was about the impact of being a trans-racial/trans-cultural family, how to be a multicultural family and about the losses and gains that each person affected by adoption goes through. It was very informative and I liked that they showed videos with interviews of adopted kids. It really gave good insight into how they were feeling and they even gave out a little advice to those of us still waiting.
I was really surprised at some of the kids answers. Some said they think about being adopted all the time and some said they hardly think about it at all. They said for them to feel connected to their birth country more was required than just celebrating holidays in the home or cooking ethnic meals. They said they needed to be with other adopted children and if possible, around other adults that share their heritage. This was very important for them to build self confidence. Being a minority in the United States means that they are not the standard in anything. They are a minority among all people - in entertainment, sports, politics, education, medicine, law enforcement etc. To them, t was more comforting to be in their birth country even though everything was foreign to them because there they were the standard everywhere they looked.
I found it very interesting that one guy said that he never knew which box to check on the forms that ask for ethnic background. He said he doesn't totally feel Korean or American or even Korean-American. He said he wished that there was a box labeled trans-racial adoptee. He felt that is where he fit in that adoptees almost make up their own culture. They have no known biological relatives anywhere.
We did a really neat exercise about loss. We had to get out a piece of paper and number it one thru ten. I'll wait while you grab a paper and pen. Go, ahead it is a great exercise. I tried to remember as much as possible but it is enough to get the point across.
On the first line write the name of someone who means a lot to you. On the second write something you are most proud of in your life. On the third write someone that you count on in life. On the fourth write your ethnic background. On the fifth write the word information which covers everything you need to know in your daily life. On the sixth line write your favorite place to be. On the seventh line write the word resources which includes money and your material things. On the ninth line write the word values. On the tenth line write your favorite thing to do.
Now look at your list and cross off four things. Believe me it is harder than it looks! I think that maybe I can cross off one thing, maybe two, but four no way! Then she said you have to cross off two more things! That was next to impossible! After that she said, now you have to lose two more things. At this point I am smiling because there is no way I can cross off all of these things and still be able to function in life.
The social worker said that this is what an adopted child goes through. In order to be adopted, they must suffer profound loss. They must give up everything in their lives that makes them feel secure and that is important to them. I never thought of it that way and I really had to just pause a minute to think about it. The more I thought about it, the more emotional I got and I have to admit that my eyes got a little teary.
The kids said that the most important thing is for adoptive parents is for them to be educated and aware of race. They want the adoptive parents and family to be comfortable with their own race and to be confident with who they are. Also important to them was that the adoptive parents have an openness about discussing race, keep communication lines well established, and to have talks with their children about racial issues.
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