Serenity

First, I have to brag a little and say that Justin is a great sleeper. So were his brothers. I give a little credit to myself since strict bedtimes and nap times are rules that I never allow to bend in the slightest bit. But I really think that some of it is in their DNA. They just love to sleep!

So, that being said, I am pretty sure that Justin no longer needs to be "topped off" at night. This was a trick I used for Brian and Sean too. I nurse them right before they go to bed, maybe 8-8:30, and then get them out of bed for a little top-off before I turn in for the night. They don't wake up and for me, it filled up their bellies all the way, and made them sleep better and longer.

The thing is, Brian and Sean were long finished with their "topping-off" by the time they were a year old. Justin was a year old two weeks ago and I am still topping him off. He would probably just sleep on through with no problem. It is me, all me. I love that time with him. Just he and I. It is so wonderful. I am not ready to give it up.

The house is quiet and calm. Justin is usually too busy or too curious to nurse for very long. But, late at night, he is content to nurse for longer and I cherish it. I know that this special time for us is soon coming to an end and I am holding onto it for as long as I can. I am a huge supporter of breast feeding, but like Elisabeth Hasselbeck from The View said last week, "When the child can spell milk, it is time to stop!" I thought that this was funny. I don't condone those that breast feed for longer or into the toddler years, it is just not for me.

Before going to bed, I go into his room to get him out of his crib. As I open the door, it creaks ever so slightly and he raises he head. He lets out a small whine and reaches for me. I pick him up and he snuggles into me with his eyes still closed. He is immediately comforted and he knows I am his mama even while he is asleep. I sit down with him and he instinctively turns and roots for my breast like a newborn. He knows my smell and knows the routine so even in the dark he knows which way to turn his head.

As he latches on, I can almost hear him let out a blissful sigh. Soon, my milk comes in and I can hear him swallowing. It is a fantastic and moving experience to see him immediately calmed. When my supply is depleted on one side, he kicks and softly whines once more. This is his signal to me to change sides. As I lift him to turn him t the other side he kicks his legs in unison as if to propel him to other side. He begins to root again and amazingly knows to turn his head to the other side even though his eyes remain closed. As he latches on the other side, he is once again peaceful.

When Justin is full and content, he sometimes opens one eye and upon seeing me will flash a sleepy, drunk grin. I cuddle him in closely and my heart overflows with love and wonder. He prefers for his head to be over my left chest. I think that my heartbeat quiets him and reminds him of the sounds in my womb. My head is telling me to go to sleep myself and to return him to his crib. But my heart wants to hold him close to me all night long. I hug him tightly a few minutes more.

Reluctantly, I carry him to his room. I hug him close once more and kiss each delicious cheek. I then kiss the top of his head and inhale his natural baby perfume for a few seconds. I lay him in his crib and make sure his lion blanket is on his chest. Justin grabs it with his chubby fingers and brings it up to his face. As he gently rubs the blanket over his face, I can see his body relax and give into sleep once again. Then his hand slowly falls to the side and his breathing deepens. I stand there for another minute and revel in the miracle that he is.

After quietly closing the door, I go to Brian and Sean's room to check on them before I turn in. I love to see the boys sleeping. They are so peaceful. If they had a rough day in the listening department and got in trouble, it is all forgotten. I have to just stand there a few minutes and watch them sleep. Then I gently kiss Sean on the head and try not to wake him. Brian is now in the top bunk, so I cannot kiss is head directly. I compromise by kissing my hand and then touching my hand to his head. Caught up in day to day life I sometimes don't get time to really study them. Some nights I am caught off guard while looking at them. I marvel at how much they have grown!

Good night, sleep tight, my sweet boys!