Understanding

I am so happy that Justin is here with us and celebrating his first birthday is nothing short of wonderful. Conceiving him consisted of over two years of doctors appointments, ultra sounds, blood work, testing, surgeries, and miscarriages. It was a roller coaster of emotions - from disappointment to joy, from pain that brought me to my knees to happiness I wanted to shout from the rooftops, and from utter defeat to miraculous celebration. I love him so much and every day there is one thing or another that makes me stop and realize just how special he is. I do love Brian and Sean the same way too - but it is Justin's birthday today!

But, as happy as his birthday was, there was also sadness. I should be celebrating two birthdays today. Two cards. Two first birthday bibs. Two cakes. Two high chairs. Two sets of presents. It is so bittersweet. I have to say that I am not sad on a daily basis over losing his twin anymore, but when Justin hits big milestones it is like pouring salt in the wound. I wonder what might of been and the fact that I will never know is very hard for me.

There have been a lot of posts in the infertility blogosphere written by those still trying to conceive and how they feel about reading blogs about pregnancy and parenting. To be honest, at first I thought it was kind of rude. I felt that if they were in a place where they couldn't handle pregnancy and baby talk, that they shouldn't be reading. But it is just not that cut and dry. There are so many shades of gray to consider. I have been there. I have turned down plenty of baby shower invitations. I have had to bite my lip to keep the tears inside when ultra sound pictures were passed around. I quickly turned the channel when diaper commercials came on. I looked longingly at baby stores while I drove on by.

I am in a similar place with the loss of Justin's twin. I hold back tears when I see twins at a store. I try to turn off the TV when twin stories come on. It is not that I am not happy for those with twins, I am just not always emotionally able to handle it. The funny thing is even though it hurts, I find myself mesmerized with twins. I read blogs and then get sad. But I still do it, they call to me like a donut to a dieter. I am curious. I am looking for answers. I am trying to get a glimpse into what might have been. Even though it hurts, I smile at their pictures. A tear rolls down my cheek seeing them hold hands. My heart breaks to see them playing together.

All of a sudden I understand. I understand checking in on a blog - or a friend - and having a pregnant belly smack you in the face. I have been hit with surprise twin announcements and photos more times than I can count. I have been in this similar and familiar place before. I know am not there anymore, but I did not forget what is was like. Once an infertile, always an infertile. We are a sisterhood. I also know that I have three healthy and wonderful boys, and that some have none. There are times that I feel guilty and somewhat alone. I cannot join in with those still trying to conceive their first child, I have graduated from there. But I also do not belong with those who get pregnant without a passing thought, I will never understand their world.

So, I am stuck somewhere in the middle, with a lot of wonderful women by my side. I have moved over to the other side, yet I still carry the pain and memories with me. I cannot and do not try to know what those feel that are still trying. And as difficult as it was to conceive number two and number three, it is not the same. There is no way that it can be the same. But just becasue it was different, doesn't mean that it wasn't difficult to endure. Things will also never be the same after losing Justin's twin. It will always hurt and there will always be reminders. I have moved on still from those inferitles who are now mothers, I have joined into another subgroup for loss. And then another for loss of a twin.

I guess what I am trying to say is sorry to those still trying. I remember what it was like but I also know that my perspective has changed from where I am sitting. I try to support those waiting to be parents and realize that my well intended compassion can also cause some pain. I am still trying to fit into my new world, and doing it the best way that I know. Sorry again if I have caused anyone pain.