Infertility Journey

I read many blogs about infertility and loss along with some pregnacy and parenting ones. Sometimes inquiring minds want to know. And sometimes I just want to post about other things than the kids. Even though I do love capturing their lives in prose and pictures. It is kind of like being a stay-at-home-mom - sometimes I just need some adult conversation. It is not that I don't want to talk to the kids, or that I don' miss them terribly the second I walk out the door, but change can be a good think once in a while.

The questions posed on a blog I read called Stirrup Queens were as follows : Did you forgo IVF due to religious reasons or embrace it due to personal beliefs? Were there familial or societal pressures unique to your situation that pushed you down one path rather than another? Did you follow in the footsteps of friends or other family members or forge your own path unique to other people around you? Was your decision clear-cut or did you agonize over the choices? Did you create a flow-chart or simply go along with whatever your RE/adoption agency director suggested? If you have a partner, did you make choices together or did one of you have a stronger hand in the decision making?

Some of these questions pertain to my story and some do not. So, I will try my best.

I guess since Brian is the oldest I will start with him. I first went to my OB after about seven months of not getting pregnant and also having very long and irregular cycles. She had me chart my temperatures for three months and then return to talk with her. My charts were a straight line. This meant that I wasn’t ovulating and without releasing an egg there is no chance of pregnancy. She referred me to an re (reproductive endocrinologist). I had a meeting with him and after some blood work and ultra sounds and a monitoring cycle it was determined that I have PCOS (poly-cysitic ovarian syndrome), low estrogen levels and insulin resistance.

I found the insulin resistance part to be funny because Brian Sr. is a diabetic. I have too much insulin and he has too little - so together we should be perfect! The re wanted to try Tamoxifen - this drug tricks your body into producing more estrogen so that I make mature eggs and ovulate. It worked on the first cycle. With Brian there were really not any decisions to be made - well, except to seek medical help.

It is funny because the doctor actually read my blood work wrong and they told me I hadn't ovulated. They said to call when I got day one of my cycle to try again. Well, weeks went by and still nothing. I thought I might be pregnant and wondered if the doctor could be wrong. Finally I couldn't stand it anymore and bought a home pregnancy test. The test turned positive in a manner of seconds and I saw my first ever set of two lines!

Trying to conceive Sean was a little harder. We tried three cycles of Tamoxifen and all ended in failure. The next step was injectable medications and an iui (intrauterine insemination.) Brian Sr. was very familiar with needles so the injectable teaching class was easy for us. We got pregnant with our first iui and this time there was no mistake with blood work! We originally started off with twins but lost one sometime between six and eight weeks.

Justin was our toughest one! Over the course of more than two years I had two cycles with Tamoxifen, seven iuis with injectable medications and three IVF cycles. I had seven early miscarriages and lost Justin's twin at 18 weeks

I really cannot explain many of the decisions that were made. As I said, there were not many with Brian and Sean. And then there were so many with Justin. Even after over two years and many heartbreaking moments, there was just something deep inside me that told me to keep going. I think that my decisions were pretty clear cut - I wanted another baby and was ready to do anything. The cycles were trying and emotional and taught me a lot about myself. Brian and I did talk about things, but most of the decisions were ultimately mine. He was very understanding and let me know many times that he would support whatever I wanted to do. Most of the time we did go along with what our re said. But I did also do research and brought up ideas and asked many questions about things that I read.

So, I guess the doctor made suggestions as to what our next cycle should bring and I made comments and asked questions - and together we compromised. I was lucky to have an re that understood my desire to be an active participant in my treatment. He let me ask why we didn't increase the meds or if we could try two iuis. He always listened and then gave me his opinions. He supported me fully and I truly believe that his belief in me is part of the reason that I have Justin today. There are a lot of talented doctors but his bed side manner was one of the best I have ever experienced. And that is so important in doctor, especially when dealing with such sensitive issues.

I never felt any pressure from anyone to do something that I didn't want to do. There were a lot of friends and relatives - and doctors - that questioned us when we continued to try even after all the losses. But I know that their concerns were out of love for Brian and me and not meant to be negative. Our path was unique in our family but I did have a few friends who had to go through assisted reproduction.

We are currently in the process of adopting a daughter from South Korea. We are still doing paperwork and should be completing our home study in the next few months. Brian and I came to the decision that we wanted more children but couldn't go through trying to get pregnant or being pregnant again. We have had to make some decisions here too. We had a hard time picking a country to adopt from but when we looked into Korea things just fell into place. Brian was not sold on the idea of adoption but the more we talked the more he understood. I don't look at it like I talked him into it. His reluctance had been more because of the unknown than an unwillingness to adopt.

I cannot believe that I have or will experience most of the ways that one can become a parent. Well, except for the old fashioned way! I would have never thought that my desire to be a mother would have taken me on such a journey, but looking back now, I wouldn't change anything. I am who I am because of my experiences and I believe I am a better mom, and daughter, and wife, and sister, and friend because of my long and scenic tour through infertility and adoption.