Peace

I guess, for those that don't know, I should start by saying that I have had six early miscarriages and one second trimester loss that was Justin's twin. They all hit me really hard, but I guess losing Justin's twin was the worst. Before Justin, I would see babies and feel upset and even jealous. Why me? Then I would feel guilty because I had Brian and Sean, they were healthy and I was grateful.

At times, I have been more upset than I think I have let anyone know about my miscarriages. It gets easy to forget when you are wrapped up in life. But the losses were always there, just waiting to appear and bring me to my knees. It is funny how life works like that - good one day and horrible the next - often with no warning. Luckily, I have the type of personality that "rolls with the punches." It takes a lot to shake me up. The losses did devastate me, but I am the type to keep my chin up, no matter what. Life goes on. And what did I have to be sad about - I had a wonderful family already.

But after each loss, I knew that I still had it in me to keep trying to get pregnant and to carry a baby full term. I was not going to give up, I wanted another baby. I don't know what it was, but I knew that I still had fight left in me. Two of the three doctors at my fertility clinic were ready to tell me to stop treatments. One doctor believed in me and trusted that I could and would get pregnant. I will never forget him or his support and truly believe that he is part of the reason that I have Justin today. I am so glad that I kept on fighting.

I don't know if it has just been time that has helped me to heal or if it is Justin becoming older and more of a "person" than a helpless infant. Sure, some babies do cry more than others and they have different sleep patterns, but for the first few months most babies are very similar. Basically, all they do is eat, sleep, and poop.

Anyway, I was holding Justin yesterday and we were playing. He was laughing and cooing and thinking I was funny! I could see that he thought I was the best thing ever. He was so happy and it really warmed my heart. He laughs differently and at different things than Brian and Sean did, he smiles differently, he makes funny faces differently, he hits milestones at different times etc. Justin stretched his arms out and placed both of his hands on my cheeks, he then looked into my eyes and smiled.

At that very moment it hit me - if I would have carried any other of those babies to term, I would not have this one. It brought tears to my eyes. And for the first time ever, I didn't long for those other babies - I wanted Justin just the way he was! I told him I was glad that he was here with us and that I loved him very much. I know he didn't understand my words, but he was looking at me and listening intently.

He was the baby for our family and the baby for me. I love him just a little more than I did the day before - and I never thought that was possible. Not only do I think he is special, but he helped me to heal in a way that I never thought possible. I am no longer bitter or resentful that I had to endure the miscarriages.

Yes, they were hard and painful and I will never forget the babies that I lost, but I am at peace with what has happened. I am even at peace with losing his twin - if his twin would have survived there is a chance I might have lost them both of them. I feel like I am walking taller and a huge weight has been lifted from me. It seems that very often, things, good and bad, hit you when you are not even expecting them. I hope that anyone else that has ever suffered a loss will find the peace that I have.